... on being a sadistic masochist ... fifty shades of black - part one

I feel I should have a basic glossary of terms at the front of this piece so I don't have to explain (in brackets) and ruin the flow of the imagery and the sensations you are feeling.
This list of terms can be used in straight (heterosexual) or gay (homosexual) situations and the various levels of the sexual spectrum in-between.
I will be using colloquial phrases which are better known and more commonly used, than the clinical terminology. In other words - swear words.

Top - the aggressor, the Daddy (upper case), the fucker, the dominant one
Bottom - the submissive, the boy (lower case), the fuckee, the submissive one (who controls the dominant one but doesn't admit it).
Daddy - the Top, the Father figure the boy is looking for to replace the biological Father who rejects him.
boy - the bottom, the eager pup willing to please Daddy the Top and is rewarded with the attention Daddy gives him.
SMBD - stands for Sado-Masochism - Bondage - Discipline (or Degradation)
Consensual - both parties agreeing to action - physical or verbal within personal boundaries with "safe words".
Safe Words -  stop the action if one or both parties are not comfortable with the action.
Sadist - a person who enjoys and is aroused sexually and / or mentally by causing physical and / or emotional pain to another person on a consensual basis.
Sadism - the act of being a Sadist.
Masochist - a person who enjoys and is aroused sexually and / or mentally by having another person cause physical and / or emotional pain on oneself on a consensual basis.
Masochism - the act of being a Masochist.
Toys - objects designed for sexual arousal such as dildos, strap-on dildo (for women to wear), whips, paddles, rope, restraints, handcuffs, leg irons, items from your kitchen junk drawer like a whisk or spatula... and so on...
Bondage - can take on many different forms of restraint or restriction of bodily movement. Rope is a common element and works well in role playing scenes like "the pirates have bordered your ship and you are tied to the main mast". This can be set up for easy removal if the subject is new to it and becomes uneasy. Not a fan of duct tape or anything that is difficult for either part to remove - for security and safety sake.
Some individuals like full body suits in which (like being stuck in your sleeping bag at the park) you have limited arm and leg motions and cannot escape until your partner lets you.

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I have just listed some suggestions for play and "playtime". For most it is a sense of adventure with safe words to protect each other, stretching your relationship like the boundaries of what dialogue or actions are used. Measuring the level of excitement and release as you balance off your persona and find your centred sense of being.
SMBD is about controls and role playing and escaping from yourself for a time. In my personal experience, the most submissive individuals were those who, in the business world, had the power to hire and fire and foreclose on mortgages and throw women and children onto the street like in the old silent movies. The play and interaction helped balance off the yin and yang of the person.

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In my sexual role, I called myself a Sadistic Masochist.
I have the knowledge to be a good and adept Master. I was very familiar with leather culture protocol, and would advise people on safer sex methods of SMBD to protect themselves as well as others from getting AIDS. I was very good at my technical application of the routines, the techniques, the toys and the tools. I did a good job making the bottom, the masochist happy. But I was not sexually aroused by it.

I have the knowledge to be a good and adept Masochist. But I was afraid of showing my , what I viewed as, weaker side - I kept up the appearance of being the Top Butch one. All the while desiring to be held and restrained and discipline and whatever would pop into my head. But didn't. I got my arousal by imagining I was the person I was working on.

I made my own leather toys and was very proud of my line of whips. I would never use them on another until I had tried it on myself. That way I could gauge the angle of the leather strips. The change in intensity by the change in speed of pressure of the application of the whip. All toys would be cleaned with bleach and soap and water and allowed to air dry. If I was planning a long night out, I would bring several of the same toy, so one per person. No sharing.
Plays wells with others but does not share toys.

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Another aspect of SMBD is the physiological effect the play has on the person. The application of a paddle or hand on a buttock released a slew of opiates and endorphins which causes a "rush" feeling and act like buffers on the pain the body is actually feeling. With a number of people, this release is an easy trigger, and can become very addictive.

Discipline / Degradation are very close companions. Discipline ties in the physical aspect of lowering or balancing off the personal ego or personality, while  degradation is more of a verbal, role-playing action. They are intended to bring the high and mighty down to their knees and make the bad boy at school feel worse so he will do better at his homework to please the teacher. Or what happens between the chief officer and prisoner of war in a Japanese internment camp.

Just think of it as a pre-Xbox form of play in which you actually act out the roles rather than pushing buttons on a control bar and see a series of "0's and 1's" create illusions on your computer screen.

Role playing is enjoyed by straight and gay couples. Back when I was more into it all, I was knowledgeable of the variety of clubs in Europe who cater to it. It was all up front and very avant garde. Just imagine seeing the president of your insurance company being led on a leash by his dominatrix companion for the evening, dressed in only a dog collar and leather doggie mask.
But it can be as simple and vanilla (safe and boring) as wife plays lonely high school cheerleader and husband is the new maintenance man from France there to clean their backyard pool.

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Pix of me working at The Barracks

In the mid-2000's, for nearly two years,  I worked doing laundry and room cleaner at a gay SMBD bath house called "The Barracks" in downtown Toronto. That is where men (gay, bisexual, straight) go to and have sexual encounters with other men. Some are lucky and had a randy old time, while others just use it to get out of the house and chat with other people, connect with others of similar likes and dislikes for a few hours.
It wasn't a bad job. I had fun being around the men all dressed to the nines in their leathers, doing their best to look as big and mean and butch as they could. I played nurse maid to a number of them. Helping them by listening as they poured their soul to me about problems with family or work or their lover. Even though on occasion, their lover was just two doors down.
Sometimes alcohol or other substances were consumed before visiting the bath house. That created some difficult scenes at times.

But one of the biggest compliments I received was on a gay social media site last year, from a man I chatted with at the bath house. He was a plain looking man in his fifties. Not one to be attacked and ravaged by the leather men, but one to share time with and chat. He was alone for the entire night that evening. After finishing up my last room for my shift that night ( 11:00pm - 4:00am), I stopped by to wish him well. I ended up chatting with him for about an hour. He was afraid to go home because he was worried that his abusive partner would hit him again . And that has nothing to do with SMBD - that is domestic abuse. I aksed if he had tried to get therapy or treatment for his companion - he had, but to no avail. And then I stopped his crying by telling him. "Leave him. You deserve better."

He sorta straightened himself up sitting on the bed in that little 4' x 7' room ( enough room for cot and locker for clothes).
"I don't know if I can leave him."
"You have to do what is best for you. There are agencies to help you. You deserve the chance to be happy."
With that I excused myself, clocked out for the night and went home.

The compliment I received from this stranger was, "You saved my life."
He relayed to me that his original plans for that night was going to the bath house to get laid one final time, take an overdose of pills and kill himself. He was tired of the physical and emotional abuse by his drug-using partner. He had to keep paying off his partner's drug dealer.

But because of our chat, he discovered a feeling of self-worth. He found a support group to help him. He found a lawyer who sued his partner for assault (and won) and was able to set up a new home by himself and is happy in life.
You can imagine how pleased that made me feel. 

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We all have ways we reach out and touch each other. Sometimes it is in play and the interaction is part of the communication. It can also be a loving touch, a gentle caress.
But some need the roughness of SMBD, the power tripping and the hypermasculinity of it. Especially if it is to hide the feminine side of self from yourself and others.

I prefer the loving touch. I deserve it.

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