BUNNY IS DEAD - LONG LIVE BUNNY SMITH
On June 2, 2016, I ran out of the medication, Estrogel, that was helping me maintain my “Bunny” Smith biochemical and physical appearance. Since I am having financial difficulties due to budget cutbacks at work, I decided to stop my transitional treatments. Estrogen was for supplementing the female side of me and Cyproterone, the anti-androgen, was suppressing the male side of me. At my last blood work, estradiol (estrogen) was 260 and testosterone was 0.20. Technically a girl hormonally when in fact a castrated male.
I had been debating stopping treatments for the last six months. We are at the two-year mark for treatments and that is when in a majority of cases, what can be done has been done. The breasts will not get any bigger and fat distribution to create image of female and hips, waist and buttock should have done their thing. They hadn’t.
With my years of weight lifting, weight and natural physique, I was a big chested boy - 50”. As I girl on medication, I lost the upper body mass on my chest to create a more boob-like appearance instead of pecs and ended up with a smaller chest - 46”.
There was no change in waist measurement and my attempts at weight lost to help the illusion did not work. There was no change in hips or buttocks. So what was the point of continuing to buy costly medication - each one cost $100 - $150 for 2 months.
One of the main disadvantages I had was lack of support for the existence of Bunny as a person. Business colleagues were supportive, especially those dealing with inclusive situations in today’s society. Family support was lacking and my wearing of women’s clothing was tolerated as long as it did not identify me as being a female. The staff at Pennington’s were very supportive and I felt comfortable finding clothes to wear there.
People who were aware of the existence of Bunny as a person ( me) would initially ask about choice of gender in conversation and how to address me. Then forget and call me Bronson or use “he” instead of “she”. At one point in this adventure I would even get angry at customers for addressing me with “thank you sir”. I didn’t want to be a “sir” I wanted to be regarded as neutral or a “miss”.
One of the nicest experiences I had along that line was a customer at the restaurant who got confused about gender -
“Thank you miss. (I smiled) Oh I’m sorry, do you prefer or sir?”
My response was, “it doesn’t matter as long as you are polite.”
“That is how it should be.”
There has been a lot of turmoil in the press about gender identity and choices. Who or what to accept and what is real or not.
My desire to be Bunny was real and I feel she is a part of me and my persona. Due to my upbringing a great deal of my natural responses were suppressed and vilified. Bunny was met with a lot of self-hatred and confusion. In discussion with my doctor, it was suggested that I might be classed as gender-fluid in that part of the gender spectrum. I never classified myself growing up as MALE. Even though as an adult I work very hard to create a male visual to hide the feminine side of my thoughts and actions. The emergence of Bunny allowed me to accept all nuances of my persona - male - female - even neutral.
The one main thing I did not like about the medical treatments for transitioning is the absence of sexual desire. No arousal of any sort for two years. Not for men or for women. Even though I did like looking at women’s breasts - paralleling my former invested in men’s pecs. The desire to compete or the “rush” of getting new ideas and images disappeared. I stopped painting for a year due to economic reasons ( the year before spending $5,000.00 on a series of paintings - only to sell $1,000.00 worth. It was as if Bronson Smith (aka Geoffrey Smith) the artist did not exist.
It was interesting in how much of what made up the person know as Bronson was made up of testosterone. When I was diagnosed with Prostate Cancer in 2009, I dismissed the post-surgery side effect of lack of sex, erections, and penile size. My life was more important. I dealt with the issues with a wonderful online support group. But when the cancer returned and I went through radiation treatment. The side effects hit home with an even smaller package and having testosterone as the enemy. I was constantly reminded of what was now gone from my life. I still looked at men and compared myself to them and alway ended up the loser.
With the medical treatments and labelling myself as a castrated male, there was no pressure to compete - I had nothing to work with. I stopped comparing myself to others. I stopped competing with others. And essentially, gave up. What’s the point.
But somewhere in the back of my mind, my memories and documented events that I experienced (thanks to memory pages on Facebook) in my artist profile and web pages kept reminding me of what was. And I missed it.
So as I start my de-transitioning, I will take it one step at a time. The estrogen (pro-girl) has run out so just staying with the anti-androgen (anti-boy pills) until they run out so it is not just a shock to the system.
Mind you, a couple of lab tests ago (I have lab work every three months) I had reverted to being a boy even though taking all the pills and such. So we will see what happens this time.
I am not looking forward to boy sweat and stink again. I have had problems with body odour since a teenager and being a girl was a breath of fresh air.
I am not looking forward to anger and suicidal thoughts. Those have plagued me since childhood and I enjoyed not having suicide as an option to overcome my problems.
And the presence of anger and destructive thoughts is a reflection of my abusive family upbringing and I will not allow them to control my life.
Bunny is dead - long live Bunny Smith - Bronson Smith - Geoffrey Smith.
Thank you for your time.
