- reflections on St.Valentine's Day - the "V " word

St.Valentine's Day - or simply Valentine's Day can be the most delightful and moving moment of the year or a heart-wretching one. The card shops and racks are stocked to the brim with brightly coloured red and pink hearts and imagery with witty or saucy phrases that would make your maiden Aunt giggle or blush due to embarrassment.

The humour that used to exist in the cards at this time of year have turned from red to blue and seem more suited to a bunch of pre-pubscent boys (or at least their frat house buddies) than to move the heart of the woman or man (pick your own choice of gender) to be your Valentine forever. Or at least until next year.

With all that is going on in my life, I was not willing to kowtow to the greeting card company companions of Cupid (who is not seen as much on the cards these days possibly due to child labour laws) and buy a card for $8.99 and up that spewed platitudes of "undying love", "I love you's" ad nauseum, with illustrated hugs and kisses and elements of a long term relationship that may or may not exist anymore.

Just let me say "I still love you" and leave it at that.

.....

Love has been an awkward thing for me since I don't know if I really know what it means or feels like, or is it in my personal makeup at all.
With my upbringing by abusive parents, love = hate = fear. I loved my parents but feared their wrath and hated what they did to my sister and me and to each other. There were days in which all you could think of was "when is the other shoe going to drop" and the abusive behaviour is repeated over again . It's like, you get a cookie if you're sad ... a cookie if you're happy, a cookie if you are successful.. and no cookie if you are bad. And you are told you are bad again and again.

I have been polyamourous (able to be in love with two or more people at once) over the years. My relationship with my first companion, John, evolved from (his term) housemate to boyfriend to lover to common-law husband.
When things got bad due to his alcoholism that lover relationship that was full of anger and fear and disappoint dissolved and John became "my beloved". That is how I referred to him in the last year of his life. I had lost him to his alcoholism and couldn't change it. So all of what occurred previously in those fifteen years were absolved, and he was free from any of my blame or regret or anger. He was "my beloved."

When he passed a part of me died with him, as it is with couples. Never again will we share time or a thought, a chuckle, an intimate moment together or ... , you can fill in the blanks.

Sometimes with love, the hurt becomes part of the story. The absence becomes the rule of the day. Your life together and love becomes what it is - more of a platonic relationship, no longer intimate but loving, but in a different way.

My prostate cancer, the surgery and radiation treatment, took away a great deal of the energy that I used to have. The passion was cut out of me too, and often I did my best to masquerade my feelings so I appeared to be the person I used to be. Sexual energy feeds the spirit and the heart and can be used as a reward or goal. It can be the muse that inspires you to create and share with others that inspiration. It stirs up the emotions and challenges you to challenge yourself and delve into what makes you "tick".

So to all who read this, whether they be young or old with a body that is still intact or having some parts missing (or replaced), tell your loved one they are loved.
Cherish the person you have chosen to share your life and love with.
Share the joy of the passion of sharing your love on Valentine's Day every day of the year.
They deserve to hear that and share that with you, so you two can be "the beloved".

With hugs and kisses,
Snuggles and sniggles,
Lots of love,
Bronson "Bunny"

.....