September 2015
A year ago I started a journey rediscovering myself and who I am.
It started October 2013 when my Mother passed away. She was a source of love, pain, confusion, and abuse. She was a product of her own abusive family and time period in which certain actions were tolerated. Our family was viewed as the community’s ideal when if fact it was a source of physical and emotional abuse, alcoholism, depression and suicidal thoughts.
As time progressed more and more elements of me became hidden and Geoffrey ( my original name) tried to hide my femininity by become more and more hyper-masculine in adulthood. That included a new masculine name - Bronson - tattoos, multiple piercings, various fetishes, leather culture, facial hair and various extreme hairstyles.
In March 2014 I became overwhelmed with needing to be more feminine in
my actions and appearance. Those thoughts originated in childhood and
whenever they surfaced they were suppressed and deemed as evil by my
family.
I started herbal supplements that were supposed to increase breast size and feminize a man’s body. They were the introduction to the “Bunny” side of personality. They created an aura of acceptance. It also brought out the anger I suppressed to my situation with my partner, work and how I had been treated by parents. It was overwhelming and I use the phrase “a mental breakdown” to describe how I was feeling. It was like living in a different world.
In August I started an authorized regime of hormones by my Encocrynologist - to increase estrogen levels and decrease testosterone. Currently I am biochemically classified as a women with 490 level of estrogen and 0.10 level of testosterone - essentially a castrated male.
After months of reflection and some physical changes to my body, I believe I do not want to go the full route to be a woman. But more of who I was as a child - a girly boy (or a boyly girl). I have always had a big chest due to working out at the gym. My boy chest was bigger than my current girl chest - which is softer and rounder.
I had shaved off my moustache and goatee to be more “Bunny-like” after having facial hair for almost 40 years. The face I saw in the mirror was who I saw, even when I had various moustache and goatee combinations. I am currently growing it back and feel more comfortable with the image of I see.
I am planning to stop the hormone therapy after seeing my Endocrinologist at the end of September. I am afraid of the changes that will occur when the testosterone increases. I have not been happy with all of the changes but feel that Bunny is a better person. Even though she sees the world differently than Bronson.
Being Bronson … Being Bunny
Bronson - has suicidal thoughts daily - no suicidal thoughts as Bunny.
Bronson - angry all the time at family, work, partner, money situation, praying hourly for forgiveness and support - Bunny does not feel a need for such feelings and events are “water off a duck’s back” and not to be stressed out about.
Bronson - thoughts in his head all the time - visual imagery that had to be translated into artwork or documented - never-ending conflict of good and bad thoughts - often a rollercoaster of emotions - currently no such thoughts - an empty head - free from conflict … but no urgency or demands or desires - empty feeling.
Bronson liked extreme fetish clothes that gave illusion of hyper masculinity - while Bunny liked shopping and wearing some moderate women’s clothing and being accepted at woman’s clothing store as be a “Bunny” and a “she”.
Bronson’s life was centred on his sexuality as reward and goal incentives - Bunny has no sexual desires or needs. She is attracted to women rather than men. A man’s body seems silly and icky… exactly like what Bronson felt about a woman’s body.
No need for going for female surgery - not interested in fulfilling that.
What I miss most about being Bunny is the artist side of myself - it is gone. I miss the desires and demands of being creative. Bunny is more literary while Bronson is more visual. Also, Bronson is the one who pushed and pushed and created resources for making money, fundraising for charity and interested in being noticed and recognized for his skills and personality. Bunny is dynamic and gets things done but more in the background.
I do not like being invisible.
I need to exist. Do I exist as Bunny or as Bronson. Maybe a combination of both?
That is what I have to decide.
