Tuesday 23 December 2014

"LABELS" - quicktime movie - SPARK PHOTO FESTIVAL - April 2015

I have found myself to be labelled time and time again by others who sought to hurt me, control me, demean me, as well as  by those who tried to put a handle or a name of who I was. Parents and classmates were a steady source of labels or nicknames. 

I originally set up this photographic collection, "Labels",  to represent how people can viewed differently when the same person ( and photo thereof) had a different label. And if so, did the subject of the photo feel any different.
I had difficulty rounding up a number of participants so I turned the imagery back onto myself and went through the "selfie" pix from my macintosh computer "photo booth" application.  I had scores of pix of me taken over the last seven years.

My parents were quite cruel and harsh when commenting on the physical appearance of their children. "Why do you make yourself look so ugly?" was a frequent comment from my Mother. 
A side shoot off was that was the need to check my appearance on a regular basis and see if I was presentable to the world. Even, if not to my Mother.

 "'LABELS"

“The labels we put on ourselves, as well as the ones that society puts on us, can limit our personal sense of well-being and self-worth and creative potential.”

This project is primarily made up of  “selfies” using my Mac computer’s app Photo Booth.


Enjoy.
.....
Here is some background on when the photos were taken - thoughts - locations - etc. And that can contrast with the imagery it invokes to the viewer. As well as the juxtaposition to the previous image.

The labels are:
- a memory  - a regular photo of me in front of my home in Toronto - I lived there from 1981 - 2006.
- bad ass - trying to look tough
- boy  - pix of me in Fenelon Falls - I was in full gay gainer phase - 265# - big = masculine
- butch - me at The Barracks Gay SMBD Bath House in 2005
- wifebeater - just deep in thought wearing a wifebeater a-shirt
 - cancer came back - had prostate cancer surgery in 2009 and it came backi in 2013
- in remission - had radiation treatments in 2013 - declared in remission again in 2014
- impotent - not dealing well with side effects of surgery and radiation treatments
- empty - how I feel at times
- masculine - my first summer in Peterborough working at a garden centre
- femme - accepting the softer side of me
- Bronson - me as I tried to present myself to the world
- Bunny - as I am
- sane - staged shot for artist brochure
- insane - use of red henna dye on hair to mimick buddy's masculine look
- straight - some people still think I am straight since I don't act gay to them
- bisexual - some people think I am attracted to everyone
- gay -having fun with facial hair
- queer - been called that for decards - I own it now
- faggot - been called that for decades - I own it now
- non-binary - deciding what to do with the red henna hair
- on the fence - keep or shave off goatee and moustache
- sexy - feeling sexy that day
- sick - someone very close to me said I was sick having painted nails
- suicidal - I hid it well - didn't I?
- self-portrait - painting for fundraiser for assisted housing
- happy- just plain me

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This is a quicktime movie of the photographic images that will be on display for the month of April 2014 at the This and That Shop - Gallery, as part of the SPARK PHOTO FESTIVAL 2015 in Peterborough, Ontario.




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PLEASE NOTE: I  have launched a new Fundanything.com campaign to help my finances get through a rough stretch & possibly find a buyer / donator for the "radiation series" paintings. 
Please check out my campaign and if possible, contribute, or share it with someone who can. 
Thank you.
 
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Monday 22 December 2014

PROSTATE CANC*R PROJECT - "the radiation series" - CROWDFUNDING - October / November 2013

INTRODUCTION

This is the text and paintings that were used in the two crowdfunding campaigns to help me raise money in October and November 2013 (prior to and during radiation treatments), so I could do the series of paintings I called the PROSTATE CANC*R PROJECT - "the radiation series" to illustrate my response to the radiation treatments for the return of my prostate cancer.
The campaigns concluded in 2013. The rewards and such are still included since they are part of the original text.

The second posting in this blog "ON BEING BUNNY" of PROSTATE CANC*R PROJECT - "the radiation series" - ERRING ON THE MOUNT is essentially five months after the crowdfunding campaign and the radiation treatments.
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INSPIRATION PAINTING - “RED SKY - QUILTS”
- 24" x 24"
 - acrylic on routered plywood with balsa wood strips 

©2013 - BRONSON SMITH

Out of adversity comes creativity - determination - and the freedom to create.

In the fall of 2009, I was diagnosed with Prostate Cancer and had surgery 6 weeks later. I had been in remission for three (3) years when my PSA numbers started rising this spring. The cancer is back.


In October 2013, I am starting radiation treatments at my local hospital - PRHC - Peterborough Regional Health Centre  - at their new radiation bunker. 
A couple of years back I participated in an Art fundraiser at my Studio to help them raise money to build it. I didn't think at the time I would be using it.
This is not a boo-hoo situation , but more of an empowerment attack.
 I will create wonderful things while they zap me to kill the cancer. 
I will share with others through my paintings what I am feeling week to week - this is a 7 week project.
The end result will be a series of 7 paintings - one for each of the 7 weeks of radiation treatment.

Each one will show through the colours, texture, detailling of my MODERN PRIMITIVE WOOD PAINTINGS style of artwork how I am doing - emotionally - physically (the side effects can kick in on week two) and spiritually.
Please look through my Artist website - http://bronsonsmith.com to see examples of my style of artwork as well as newspaper articles and video interviews. I have been very transparent about my cancer.
I may not be excited about dealing with the radiation treatments but I am looking forward to the freedom to create this project (for a possible touring exhibition - regional galleries - hospital - cancer centres).
 .....
Reward levels-
1- $50 - a series of five (5) assorted artwork notecards - free shipping to Canada and USA

2- $100.00 - a series of five (5) assorted artwork notecards AND limited edition photo poster of one of my paintings ( this is just an example)  - signed in pencil and limited edition ( determined by number of backers) - free shipping to Canada and USA

3 - $500.00 - a series of five (5) assorted artwork note cards AND limited edition photo poster of one of my paintings - signed in pencil and limited edition ( determined by number of backers) AND limited edition photo poster of the final seven (7) paintings - signed in pencil and limited edition (determined by number of backers) - free shipping to Canada and USA.
This is an example of the work I have done in the first 3 weeks of treatment.

4- $1,000.00 - an original 12" x 24" Modern Primitive Wood Painting - to be chosen from existing collection or created new for you, the backer - east coast / Newfoundland scene -or- rural Ontario - heritage buildings / barns.
.....

 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K2LVytfmTQM&list=UUjIiASGG7IwcTILwe2dpK-A

Video Credit - many thanks to Lester Alfonso of MAP - Media Arts Peterborough

.....

“BLUE SKIES”
-24" x 24" 
- acrylic on routered plywood with balsa wood strips 

©2013 - BRONSON SMITH

WEEK ONE - KICKSTARTER  - "BLUE SKIES"

I am feeling calm about my radiation treatments and hopeful.
I have just finished week one of my seven week radiation treatment. I feel OK and there is a calmness about me. I am hopeful that I will be able to reach my project goal and be able to complete the seven paintings.

I had a wonderful interview in THE PETERBOROUGH EXAMINER - October 5, 2013
http://www.thepeterboroughexaminer.com/2013/10/05/for-prostate-cancer-victim-creativity-out-of-adversity

And today I was interviewed by Lance Anderson of PETERBOROUGH THIS WEEK - that will be available online October 9, 2013. We spoke about the project in length and if I would continue it if the project funding did not meet its goal.
The answer to that is YES. This series of 7 paintings (actually 8 including the inspiration piece) is in my heart and mind and will help me share with others this experience through my art.  The end result will be 7 paintings ($700.00 x 7) sold as a set - or better yet, be part of a touring exhibition. 
Going through with my radiation treatments for prostate cancer will be difficult at times.  It would be a great help if I do meet my goal of $4,000.00.
 .....

The first painting is called "blue skies" because of how I am feeling after the previous weekend's visit to Rochester, New York as part of a GFMPH cancer survivor and their spouses gathering. 
GFMPH  (good for men's prostate health) is part of an online support site that helps men and their wives/ spouses / family cope with and gain patient to patient information about PCa.

This week, the second week of treatments is going to be different. My Mom passed away on Sunday - she was in declining health at age 86 - had survived radiation treatments 44 years ago, recently had another bout of pneumonia, a stroke and finally, passed away in her sleep.
I have had some issues with the bowels, but am relating it to the effect of the fibre in the lentil soup I had last night. And have had concerns about acceptance of my treatments at work, which cast a shadow on my feelings. That has been resolved as of yesterday. 


Our first meeting with the oncologist will be tomorrow and I have no idea of what to expect... so if last week was "blue skies", I think this week will be "uncertainty".

If you have backed me - many thanks as I do appreciate your support. If you have tried to pledge but the button seems finicky - please, do try again. And for those debating it, please do check out my website to see my other artwork and what I have done these last 30 years. The perks / rewards are nice &  I feel this project is of value.

It is such an exciting and scary experience for me to do artwork just for art sake - being given that freedom through this kickstarter project would assist me in pushing that personal envelope and experience from adversity comes creativity and the freedom to create.


.....

“UNCERTAINTY”
-24" x 24" 
- acrylic on routered plywood with balsa wood strips 

©2013 - BRONSON SMITH

WEEK TWO - KICKSTARTER - UNCERTAINTY

 Mom passed away on the Sunday - sadness and uncertainty about life and what it holds.

The second week of my radiation treatment started off on a down note with the passing away of my Mother, Shirley Elizabeth ( Betty) Ritchie Smith, age 86. She had cancer at age 42 complicated by radiation burns, and survived another 44 years - passing away in her sleep on October 6, 2013, after another bout of pneumonia, a stroke, and failing health.

Side effects are creeping up slowly - more wetting and increased incontinence (more marking on the guard pad I wear).
Which explains the change in sky with some grey clouds and other colours.

On Thursday, Oct 10, I was interviewed for CHATELAINE MAGAZINE - a national women's magazine to talk about the recent fundraiser for Toronto Hospice Association - "impressions of life" 
-
http://impressionsoflifeart.com/auction/  and later that same day, was interviewed by Jack Roe of the programme, ONTARIO THIS MORNING - CBC-1 radio - in which he then relayed our conversation on Friday, Oct 11, 2013 - 7:45am - should be available soon on their podcast page - http://www.cbc.ca/ontariomorning

-today, a local newspaper article come out - PETERBOROUGH THIS WEEK - http://www.mykawartha.com/news-story/4150292-artist-s-weekly-paintings-reflecting-mood-during-fight-with-cancer/
-it was a great article and they have shown me so much support - as an artist and as a cancer survivor 
- but unfortunately, they called me, Mr Bronson, instead of Mr. Smith throughout the article .... 
- there is a well known Bronson family of musicians in the area-- so it may be confusing for some.
-hopefully all this push-push-push that will generate pledges - It would be great to reach my pldge goal and I would surely like to finish this project and set up a touring exhibition of it. Only a few days left.
.....

“MUDDLED”
-24" x 24" 
- acrylic on routered plywood with balsa wood strips
 
©2013 - BRONSON SMITH

WEEK THREE - KICKSTARTER - MUDDLED

- coming to terms with Mom's death and not getting kickstarter project  funded - where will I get the support I need to get through this.
Even though I am posting this update on Monday evening, I feel it is / will be a reflection of how I am feeling this week during my radiation treatments.

I am "muddled" about how I am feeling about my Mother's death - how it relates to my own mortality if this radiation treatment does not stop the growth of the prostate cancer.
I am aware of the "possible" future and what it may include - not a pretty sight....
I am facing elements of fatigue and some wandering thoughts. I know I am tired when I repeat to myself "focus, focus, focus", so I can get a job done.
The side effects are building up - bowels are swollen so not much to the B.M.'s - actually gaining weight during this ordeal. Incontinence is tolerable - but wear a pad in the front and back of my underwear - just for safety sake.

I am very pleased with "muddled"painting. It is in a colour range that reflects where I am right now. Muted - sorta monotone - I am needing some more emotional support ( hence the ribbed foundations of the houses instead of carved in slats). Things seem to be louder and more basic and less b.s. - so bigger patterns and the squares on the quilts.

My partner, Steve, was concerned that I finished the WEEK THREE painting on Monday night and that it does not reflect what I am going through this week. 
Well, I wanted to show you - the backers and the others who are watching my project as it goes into its final hours - that this is something beyond what I normally do - who ever heard of me doing a brown tone sky?!?! Who knows what I will attempt next?

About three years ago, my sister, Debbie Smith Wilson (who lives with hubbie, Gordon in Australia) , sent me a pix of her living room. I commented on the wonderful prints from the Canberra Art Museum on her walls. I was surprised when she told me it was her own artwork. She had never shown any signs of being interested in art. She had a good career as a Nurse in Canada and worked along side Gordon when he was a practicing Dentist in Australia.
I found out she was giving her artwork away to people instead of selling it. I tried to convince her to sell them or give them to charity so they could use the money - her reply was, "I give my paintings to people who do not have art on their walls." Well, that shut me up!  :)
We come from an artistic family - mostly from our Mother's side - Mom, Grandma Ritchie, Great Aunt Katherine - me and now Debbie.

This year Debbie finally entered her first art show in her new little town of Jindabyne, New South Wales, Australia - showing off her paintings and her quilted wall hangings... and inher first attempt she ends up winning "First Prize" for her painting and "People's Choice" for her wall hangings.
I am so proud of her and wanted to share that with you.
My partner,Steve, Debbie and Gordon have been especially helpful during Mom's illness and passing, as well as helping support my art career this last year due to illness and such....

This may be my last update before the kickstarter project deadline, so I want to publicly thank them for giving me the strength to reach out and challenge myself. 

Kickstarter has been a great focus for me - with me getting ready for my radiation treatments and coping with the first weeks. Helping me focus and find meaning to what is happening to me and to understand that "through adversity comes creativity and the freedom to create".

I am very proud of what I have accomplished and hope to be able to continue this project so by the end of November I will have the seven paintings showing on my artist website - celebrating completion of "the radiation series" and looking forward to regaining my health so I can continue on as an Artist.
.....

I have had potential backers write telling me of the difficulty getting their pledges to work - some have given up... some have gotten through... kickstarter has their own answers (see "help" link) but one of my new backers has a solution ( which makes sense).
"...I have solved the kickstarter problem. You need to register as a kickstarter member, close out of the program and restart in order to make the pledge. It is done.... "
Some computer glitches relate to the operating system, the browser being used.. regardless, this works... hoorah... hopefully not too late....
.....


“BUBBLING UP” (ANGER) -24" x 24" 
- acrylic on routered plywood with balsa wood strips 

©2013 - BRONSON SMITH

WEEK FOUR - FUNDANYTHING - BUBBLING UP (ANGER)

- after kickstarter.com concluded campaign and did not reach goal (an all or nothing situation)
- I got nothing.

- have started new campaign on fundanything.com -
 - angry at the disease - missed work opportunities - flailing about

I had the image in my head already and all the colours were chosen on Sunday ... so I will be painting the sky dark - with black - greys -a streak of off-white with a gash of bright red ... the anger ready to
escape ...
-my thoughts are flailing around right now - coming to grips with Mom's passing - sorting out the anger of how I was treated but trying to embrace the forgiveness I gave to her so she could pass on at peace... anger can be a motive.. can encourage to create things and be crippling at the same time...

-I am angry at the disease - having to go through these treatments - only minor side effects ( I am very lucky and very grateful) - angry at missed opportunities  for employment - financial stability ( artist <--> stable , in the same sentence? ! :D  )
- did my best to not second guess myself and went with how I am feeling.... almost halfway there - 14 out of 33 zaps.

- this art project has helped me get through this ... don't know where it will lead me or if it will fly this time or not... kickstarter was a learning experience - but I prefer this crowdfunding model better - no computer glitches this time - thank you "the Donald" (as in Trump) which is also my Dad's name).

.....

 
“HOPEFUL”
-24" x 24" 
- acrylic on routered plywood with balsa wood strips 

©2013 - BRONSON SMITH

WEEK FIVE - FUNDANYTHING - HOPEFUL

- Hoorah! - a donor donated $2,000.00 to this campaign
- my sister and I are coming to grips with our Mom's death and grieving, new positions opening up at work
- feeling hopeful that we will beat this terrible disease.

Very pleased to have only minimal side effects to the cancer treatments. The machine was giving the techies trouble so we had a 3 hour delay - but safety comes first and I was willing to wait until we all got the green light.

Very very pleased with the $2,000.00 donation to my campaign from my anonymous donor ( through Gallery Q Inc.). It will help me conclude my project. I will be dropping off the 4 completed paintings to have them professional framed this week.
In hindsight, I should have left my goal level here at fundanything.com at $4,000.00 for the project, but I was embarrassed that I did not reach my goal initially with kickstarter.
I used my line of credit for the first part of the project  (about $2,000.00) and am currently working through getting out of debt.

Am I sorry for continuing on this project? No way! It helped me cope with this part of my journey in ways you may not comprehend. This project helped me "get out of my head" and focus on the work at hand and helped me cope: with my Mother's death; the radiation treatments; and the REASON for me having to do radiation treatments - the prostate cancer had returned and was growing - it had to be stopped!


I am so pleased to have finished WEEK FIVE  painting - "hopeful"
- this week looks like it will be hopeful - the donor donating $2K last week - new job prospects at work - still coping well with my radiation treatments - my sister coming to grips with her grief over our Mom's passing and I am halfway through my radiation treatments.

Started working on layouts for poster of final 7 paintings - will probably have to increase size of poster to take advantage of detailling of paintings.

Have enjoyed sharing my experiences at fundanything  and my project with others at the radiation bunker at PRHC. Two of the women who are dealing with breast cancer have actually named their tumour - so that the techies and patient are both working together to kill the cancer.
It doesn't matter if it is breast cancer, or prostate cancer, testicular, ovanian, lung, you get my drift.... - regardless of the colour of the awareness ribbon - we are all fighting the same beast - CANCER.

.....



Here are the stages of what I go through to do my artwork.
1 - drawing image on plywood
2 - routering (carving) line work and detailling into plywood - and sanding it so the surface is smooth and no rough bits from the routering
3 - built it up with strips of balsa wood to create the imagery of clothesline posts, windows and roof lines, etc.
4 - stage 4 is spray painting primer on the front of the painting (usually black or grey - which forms the colour for the linework  - and when dry - I roller paint white primer on the back of the painting/plywood to seal it in
5 - stage 5 is doing the initial colouring of the spaces to create the painting. Some colours need two or more layers to make it opaque and solid looking.
6 - stage 6 is taking painting to professional framer to have it framed
7 - stage 7 is photographing finished/framed painting for website and possible use of image for note cards, posters etc..
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“FATIGUE” 
24” X 24”
- acrylic on routered plywood with balsa wood strips

©2013 BRONSON SMITH

WEEK SIX - FUNDANYTHING - FATIGUE

Well, I am ready to start my countdown tomorrow  - there will  be only ten (10) radiation treatments left - hoorah!
I have been doing well with side effects but the fatigue has finally hit me as of last Wednesday. Having one or two one hour naps during the day helps a great deal. And that is the reason for WEEK SIX painting - "fatigue".

It is not a depressing sky - just a night sky - quiet and dark with the light on ... but I don't feel like getting up - let me have another bit of rest.

It is still a busy time for me - I  am very pleased with the CHATELAINE magazine article  about my participation in the "Impressions of Life" fundraiser for the Toronto Hospice Association.
http://www.chatelaine.com/health/wellness/how-painting-helps-people-cope/

I met my Gallery Q Inc donor this week. He is a very nice man - shrewd businessman - art collector and philanthropist. He was very insightful about the balance of life and living and was encouraging about  some interesting ideas about future projects.
I do have a power point presentation about the paintings but don't know how to link it in here - but I can send you a copy via email if you wish. There was even a hint from another donor about turning this experience into a book format.
http://fundanything.com/en/campaigns/the-radiation-series/updates

Many thanks to my contributors and well-wishers. Please feel free to share this with others.
Any further contributions would be appreciated to help offset the debt load from the first phase of "the radiation series" project. I reduced the fundanything goal level from $4K to $2K because I was embarrassed that I did not meet my goal using kickstarter.
All in all this has been a wonderful experience for me - helping me cope and serving as a journal to my radiation treatment journey.
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“JOURNEY'S END” 
24” X 24”
- acrylic on routered plywood with balsa wood strips

©2013 BRONSON SMITH
WEEK SEVEN - FUNDANYTHING - “JOURNEY’S END”

I leave it up to the viewer to decide and why this is different from the rest. It invokes the colours and patterns of the inspiration painting but has changed.

It is the end of one journey - the radiation treatments due to the return of my prostate cancer - and the beginning of a new one.


Hopefully the cancer is dead and I will be in remission again. My creativity is still out there for all to see. Will they see the changes in the landscape or the changes in me.

- end of original text for crowdfunding campaign -

.....

The Fundanything.com crowdfunding was a success. It allowed me the opportunity to work on and finish the seven paintings and have them properly framed. The series of paintings have been shown at: ERRING ON THE MOUNT - May/June 2014 and PRHC Art & Healing Wall Gallery - June/July 2014 and during KAST Studio Tour - September 2014.

 .....

I have a limited edition (350) signed poster of this series of paintings for sale - image is 11" x 17" -  $50.00 unframed - $250.00 framed - shipping extra
10% of the sales will go to Prostate Cancer Canada.
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For more information please contact:

BRONSON "BUNNY" SMITH
473 Donegal Street, Peterborough, Ontario,Canada K9H 4L7
705-874-9600 cell - 705-933-9600 http://bronsonsmith.com
tatt2man@mac.com - tatt2man1955@gmail.com

I have a quicktime morph of the paintings on youtube 

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PLEASE NOTE: I  have launched a new Fundanything.com campaign to help my finances get through a rough stretch & possibly find a buyer / donator for the "radiation series" paintings. 

Please check out my campaign and if possible, contribute, or share it with someone who can.


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PROSTATE C*NCER PROJECT - "the radiation series" - ERRING ON THE MOUNT - May 2014

 PROSTATE C*NCER PROJECT - "the radiation series"
by Bronson Smith

- ERRING ON THE MOUNT EXHIBITION TEXT -

"Erring on the Mount" was an amazing site-specific Multidisciplinary Arts Festival at the old Mount St. Joseph Seminary in Peterborough (now The Mount Community Centre) that ran from May 30 to June 1, 2014.
It was the creation of Public Energy - dance, theatre and Performance - of Peterborough. They did an amazing job. The event was  filmed and a documentary by Lester Alfonso hopefully will be ready for public viewing in 2015.
Over 80 Artists participated in the event, and I was very pleased and proud to be one of them. 

My exhibition of paintings was in corridor in the abandoned hospital wing. Participants would walk up one side of the corridor- reading the text for each painting - the inspiration painting and paintings one to three, then turn around and walk back looking at the text and paintings four to seven on the other wall of the corridor.
 I had a wonderful response from those who viewed my work. Some simply smiled, a few cried when they shook my hand, and others found it very moving and shared their personal stories with me.  And all were very pleased with the text on the Epilogue panel at the end of the exhibit.

.....

INTRODUCTION

Out of adversity comes creativity and the freedom to create!
In 2009, I was diagnosed with and had surgery for Prostate Cancer. I had been in remission for three years when my PSA (Prostate-Specific Antigen) numbers started rising in 2012.
The cancer was back.

In October 2013, I started radiation treatments at the Norm & Jessie Dysart Radiation Centre at the Peterborough Regional Health Centre. A couple of years back I participated in a Art fundraiser at my Studio to help them raise money to build it. I didn't think at the time I would be using it.
This is not a boo-hoo situation, but more of an empowerment.
I will create wonderful things while they zap me to kill the cancer. I will share with others through my paintings what I am feeling week to week - this is a 7 week project.

INSPIRATION PAINTING
"red sky and quilts"


The end result will be a series of 7 paintings (based on the inspiration painting, "Red Sky and Quilts") one for each of the 7 weeks ( 66 sessions) of radiation treatment. Each one will show through the colours, texture, and detailling, how I am doing - emotionally - physically (the side effects can kick in on week two) and spiritually.
.....

WEEK ONE
"blue skies"


I am feeling calm about my radiation treatments and hopeful.
I have just finished week one of my seven week radiation treatment. The staff are kind and considerate.
I feel OK and there is a calmness about me. I am hopeful that I will be able to reach my project goal with Kickstarter crowdfunding and be able to complete the seven paintings.

The first painting is called "blue skies" because of how I am feeling after the previous weekend's visit to Rochester, New York. It was one of the GFMPH cancer survivor and their spouses gathering.
GFMPH (good for men’s prostate health) is part of an online support site that helps men and their wives / spouses / family cope with, support and share patient information about PCa.

 .....
    
WEEK TWO
"uncertainty"


The second week of my radiation treatment started off on a down note with the passing away of my Mother, Shirley Elizabeth (Betty) Ritchie Smith, age 86. She had cancer at age 42 complicated by radiation burns, and survived another 44 years - passing away in her sleep on October 6, 2013, after
another bout of pneumonia, a stroke, and failing health.
I am full of sadness and uncertainty about life and what it holds.

The Kickstarter.com crowdfunding did not meet its goal. Many thanks to those who supported me.
Side effects are creeping up slowly.
I have had some issues with the bowels and bladder, some of the possible side effects to the radiation treatment. I am experiencing more leaking and increased incontinence (more marking on the guard pad I wear).

Our first meeting with the oncologist will be tomorrow and I have no idea of what to expect... so if last week was "blue skies", I think this week will be “uncertainty".

 .....

WEEK THREE
"muddled"


I am "muddled" about how I am feeling about my Mother's death and how it relates to my own mortality if this radiation treatment does not stop the growth of the prostate cancer.
I am aware of the "possible" future and what it may include bone metastisis, morphine for pain - not a pretty sight ....

I am facing elements of fatigue and some wandering thoughts. I know I am tired when I repeat to myself "focus, focus, focus", so I can get a job done.
The side effects are building up - bowels are swollen so not much to the B.M.'s - actually gaining weight during this ordeal.
Incontinence is tolerable - but wear a pad in the front and back of my underwear - just for safety sake.
Trying a different crowdfunding site, fundanything.com.
I am very pleased with "muddled" painting. It is in a colour range that reflects where I am right now. Muted - sorta monotone.

I am needing some more emotional support ( hence the ribbed foundations of the houses instead of carved in slats). Things seem to be louder and more basic and less b.s. - so bigger patterns and the squares on the quilts.
 .....

WEEK FOUR
"bubbling up" (anger)

I am angry at the disease - missed work opportunities - flailing about in all directions.
I had the image in my head already and all the colours were chosen on Sunday ... so I will be painting the sky dark - with black - greys - a streak of off-white with a gash of bright red.
… the anger ready to escape ...

My thoughts are flailing around right now, coming to grips with Mom's passing. Sorting out the anger of how I was treated but trying to embrace the forgiveness I gave to her so she could pass
on at peace.
Anger can be a motive and can encourage the creation of things and be crippling at the same time.

I did my best to not second guess myself with the strong colours in the painting and went with how I am feeling.

Almost halfway there - 14 out of 33 zaps.
 .....

WEEK FIVE
"hopeful"


A donor donated $2,000.00 to my fundanything.com campaign to help me complete this project.
Very pleased to have only minimal side effects to the cancer treatments. The machine was giving the techies trouble so we had a 3 hour delay, but safety comes first and I was willing to wait until we all got the green light.

This project helped me "get out of my head" and focus on the work at hand and helped me cope: with my Mother's death; the radiation treatments; and the REASON for me having to do radiation treatments - the prostate cancer had returned and was growing - it had to be stopped!
Started working on layouts for poster of final 7 paintings.
Have enjoyed sharing my experiences at fundanything.com and my project with others at the radiation bunker at PRHC.
Two of the women who are dealing with breast cancer have actually named their tumour - so that the techies and patient are both working together to kill the cancer.
It doesn't matter if it is breast cancer, or prostate cancer, testicular, ovarian, lung, you get my drift.... - regardless of the colour of the awareness ribbon - we are all fighting the same beast - CANCER.

.....

WEEK SIX
"fatigue"


Well, I am ready to start my countdown tomorrow - there will be only ten (10) radiation treatments left - hoorah!
I have been doing well with side effects but the fatigue has finally hit me like a pile of bricks as of last Wednesday. Having one or two one hour naps during the day helps a great deal. Having difficulty finishing this painting.

It is not a depressing sky - just a night sky - quiet and dark with the light on ... but I don't feel like getting up - let me have another bit of rest.
 .....

WEEK SEVEN
"journey's end"


It is the end of one journey and the beginning of another ...

I leave it up to the viewer to decide why this is different from the rest. It invokes the colours and patterns of the inspiration painting but it has changed.

It is the end of one journey - the radiation treatments due to the return of my prostate cancer - and the beginning of a new one. Hopefully the cancer is dead and I will be in remission again.

My creativity is still out there for all to see.

Will they see the changes in the landscape or the changes in me.

.....

EPILOGUE
- final panel - text only -

May 21, 2014, my Urologist-Surgeon says I am cured of cancer.
My PSA has been undetectable < 0.010 since March 2014.

.....

PROSTATE CANC*R PROJECT - "the radiation series" Poster 



I have a limited edition (350) signed poster of this series of paintings for sale - image is 11" x 17" -  $50.00 unframed - $250.00 framed - shipping extra
10% of the sales will go to Prostate Cancer Canada.
.....
For more information please contact:

BRONSON "BUNNY" SMITH
473 Donegal Street, Peterborough, Ontario,Canada K9H 4L7
705-874-9600 cell - 705-933-9600 http://bronsonsmith.com
tatt2man@mac.com - tatt2man1955@gmail.com

I have a quicktime morph of the paintings on youtube 
Youtube - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kKOECwo9eo4

.....

Sunday 21 December 2014

Adrian's Friends - it's amazing what a little mouse can do.

I hope you enjoy this next little story. It came about after one of my dreams about perseverance (I dream in cinemascope and dolby sound). I have had many struggles and obstacles in life, and in this story, Raymond, is going to find a way to make things better.

.....

Raymond was lost in his thoughts again in the cash out line in the supermarket. He was helping Marcie bagged items for their shoppers today. The quote from Ralph Waldo Emerson stuck in his head.
"Build a better mousetrap and the world will beat a path to your door."
To which, Raymond added, "And in the case of Mr. Walt Disney, he built a better mouse."

That was one of the ambitions of Raymond Best, the founder and CEO of R. Best Toy Company, R. Best Productions, R. Best (as in "our best") Bakery. He had big dreams, a little talent and no luck at making things succeed. That is why at age 37, he was still assistant assistant manager at the West Landing Supermarket. That is a glorified title for merchandiser, cashier, bagger, stockboy, you get my drift.

Last month, Raymond thought he had a winner with his Fibberly Fox character. It was one of his  sock puppet creations, a handsome looking high roller of a Fox who lied at the drop of a hat. His supervisor, told him, "it teaches kids the wrong things. Lying is wrong. Stick to bagging groceries. There's a backup in line six."
.....

Raymond went over to help at line six. There was one of his favourite families to visit the West Landing Supermarket. The Millers. Joyce, Martin and little Adrian. Adrian was special to Raymond because the four-year old could not talk. He had a brain tumor diagnosed shortly after his birth that prevented the development of speech. He had had several operations during his brief four years of life to try to get rid of the tumour. But it kept coming back and growing larger each time. And to be frank, at this point in his little life, the doctors were running out of options.

"Grymd", Adrian squirmed and grunted when he saw Raymond. Joyce Miller held onto Adrian's shoulders to keep him in the shopping cart.
"Just getting a few things today," Martin said, "Adrian's been sick again with a fever and this is the first time we have had him out in a couple of weeks. I think he's getting a little over excited."

Raymond went onto the other side of the cashier and started to bag the Miller's items. With Adrian's illness they had gone the holistic route for his diet and only bought gluten-free, sugar-free, additive free foods and drinks. It didn't help but it gave the Millers some sense of purpose and hope.

"Well, I'll just have to come up with something to keep Adrian focused. Like my Mouseboy puppet."
Joyce winced, "but that last puppet  looked more like a rat. Kinda scary for me. Not a cute rat like in "Ratatouille". And certainly nothing like "Mickey".
"Grymd", Adrian continued to squirm and reach out to Raymond, as Gracie the cashier, finalized the sale.
"I'll come up with something by the end of the week," he waved as they exited through the automatic doors to the parking lot.

"You better hurry up with that, Adrian's going back into the hospital next week. They're gonna try to reduce the size of the tumor again. They can't get it all since it's all wrapped around inside. That's what Joyce said. They're scared. But still hopeful."

Raymond went home that night and scoured his notes and sketches. Too violent. Too soft. Too much like "you know who" and you'll be sued. Maybe, he thought,  just tweak an existing character and make it your own.
.....

They say you should write what you know and in the case of Raymond, create a character that you know. When he was ten, he had a pet rat named "Othello" who lived in an elaborate split level cage in his bedroom. It guaranteed him privacy since it scared the living daylights out of his sisters.
What if he takes Othello and makes him smaller and more friendly. And turn him from an Othello the Rat into Moshe the Mouse. Moshe means Moses, or drawn out of water. Raymond would love to draw Adrian out of himself. So he could talk and laugh like other children. All he ever heard him say was,"Grymd" which he thought (but never shared with anyone) Adrien was saying "Raymond".

Raymond was pleased with the results. Moshe was a little finger puppet that slipped on whatever finger you wanted. Depending on how you wiggled your fingers, Moshe could be happy, sad, angry or just quiet and listening. He continued to work on the little wooden balls that made up the finger puppet heads. There was Fibberfree Fox who knew it was wrong to lie and always told the truth. And Squeaky Squirrel who shared his collection of nuts with his family "cause that's the right thing to do."

By the time Raymond had finished the collection of finger puppets which he called "Adrian's Friends" by R. Best Toy Company Limited, little Adrian had had his surgery and was recovering.
The family was cautiously waiting for the results. Did it help him or take away what was left of their little boy.
.....

Two weeks after the surgery the  Miller family dropped into the supermarket. The staff would abandoned their post and one by one say hello to Martin and Joyce and especially little Adrian.
He seemed a little worse for wear than before. He wore a colourful hockey helmet designed for him to protect the skull bones as they healed up. He had a minor stroke during surgery that weakened one side of his face so it drooped a bit, and his little left hand was clenched like a fist all twisted up.

But his beautiful blue eyes sparkled and his right hand fingers wiggled freely as if to say "hello" to those around him. Or at least that is what they thought.

When Raymond had finished with his customer he reached into his cashier drawer and brought out a little red box, and walked over to the Millers.
"Grymd!" Adrian seemed to shout when he recognized Raymond. He squirmed as best as he could and wiggled his fingers.

Raymond presented the box to Martin. " I made something for your boy. I think he will like them."
Joyce rolled her eyes as if to say, "oh dear, not another rat!"But instead, she smiled with delight at  what she saw. A collection of six little finger puppets with a big label on the inside of the box, "Adrian's Friends".  Martin pull out little Moshe Mouse and put it on Adrian's index finger. It fit perfectly. He wigggle the finger and it didn't fall off. And the more he wiggled and shook the finger the more he smiled. "Grymd."

By the time they left the store, Adrien had four puppets on his fingers and Martin and Joyce had one each. Raymond was very pleased with the reaction to his work. And that was the key factor in all of his designs and projects, he wanted people to be happy.

Raymond didn't see the Millers again after that day. He expected they would be heavily involved with Adrian's therapy and the coping with the side effects of the surgery. And he was busier than usual being the new assistant manager for cashiers. Keeping track of the staff and balancing the cash kept him very busy.

About a month later, Gracie the cashier came by and gloated, "well hello, Mr. Famous."
Raymond was confused, he didn't know what she was talking about.
"I just saw you mentioned on youtube this morning on my cell phone. That family you were friends with. The Millers? They talk about you in their video."

"I've been waiting for them to come back in. To see how well the operation went for Adrian."
A pale cast fell on Gracie's face. "Then you don't know?"
Raymond looked more confused than ever.
"Adrian passed away during the operation. He never woke up. I'm so sorry. I thought you knew."

Raymond started to tear up. One of the hazards of having big dreams and little luck, is that you can't afford or need luxuries like cell phones and such. He never realized until then how much he has been missing in life by not being tied into the rapid pace of the social media. Like being left out in the cold or on the wrong train track as the train roars by.
Gracie found the youtube link on her cellphone and set up the channel for viewing. She handed it over to Raymond so he could see the video clip the Millers had made.

On the screen was an overall shot of Joyce and little Adrian. And there were the six finger puppets - three on each hand. The camera came into a closer shot of Adrian. It was framed by his colourful hockey helmet and his hands with the puppets. His clenched left fist was open a bit and two of the puppets wiggled about. On his good hand, Adrian had four of them, with Moshe Mouse leading the pack on the index finger. He wiggled his fingers about and smiled at the camera.
Joyce was heard off-camera.
"And we have a miracle for our little miracle to share with our family and friends online. Our little boy is going to have surgery next week and we are very hopeful it will help him feel better.
"Grymd." Adrian interupted.
Joyce continued,"we got a very good prognosis from Dr. Meyerson, that the effects from Adrian's last stroke will be reduced significantly.
"Grymd." Adrian interupted again, this time having only his right index finger raised and Moshe Mouse taking centre stage.
The camera zoomed in to show off Raymond's design of the mouse called Moshe. Adrian smiled and looked right into the camera.
"Grymd .. Moshe... happy mouse."

At that point the camera started to shake, there were tears of joy and amazement recorded on the video, Raymond was watching. Martin, as the camera man was crying, Joyce, the co-host was beaming with joy, and Adrian seems oblivious to all the fuss.
"Grymd  ..Moshe ... happy mouse... ."
Raymond was in tears, along with the others beside him.

The camera zoomed back a bit and you could see how happy Joyce was as she hugged her child who had spoken for the first time in his life.
"Well, it certainly is a miracle now isn't it. And maybe this means we have an even better chance at beating this disease. Many thanks to our dear friend, Raymond Best. He's the one who made the finger puppets for Adrian.
"Grymd", Adrian smiled, "happy..."

At that point, the video froze on the serene face of Adrian, then faded to black. White text then appeared on the black screen. It spoke about how the Millers had a wonderful few days with Adrian, talking with him, trying to understand what he was trying to say. And then the sad news.
Adrian had another stroke while in the operating room and did not wake up from the surgery.
The family had a private service and Adrian was cremated and his ashes spread on the municipal rose garden near their home. Adrian liked the smell and bright colours of the flowers there.
The family had set up a foundation to raise money to help other children with the same brain cancer that their son had. They called it, "Adrian's Friends Foundation."

At that point , Raymond lost it. He burst out into tears, and quickly excused himself. He ran past his manager and shouted, "I'm sorry but I have to go home right now."

It is amazing how small acts of kindness can grow like the mustard seed and help someone of big dreams, a little talent, finally have the luck at making things succeed. Raymond finally got up the nerve to call the Millers to offer his condolences. And shortly after that, a national toy company contacted him (after Adrian's "happy mouse" video went viral) and secured the rights to produce the line of Adrian's Friends Puppets. With a percentage of the sales going to the Foundation.

It is amazing what a little mouse can do.

......

Wednesday 17 December 2014

"pigson" - fifty shades of black

This is the last of the four stories I wrote back in 2005. When I wrote this story, I was fascinated by the men who lived just for the next round of sex, the next hit of sexual ecstasy ( not the drug). The modern technical age was beginning and more devices to share the fetishes and desires were coming into play.
Some of the toys and devices I dreamt up or mentioned didn't exist back then but are now staples of clothing and accessories for the well dressed fetish obsessed pig. Too bad I didn't put out a patent on the one toy (you'll guess what it is in the story) that now sells online on the internet. It might not have made me a  millionaire, but at least help pay the bills.

I was very pleased when I was got this story published in a nationally known gay bear magazine. I didn't get the fee they promised, just a copy of the issue with the story in it. They spelled my name right, and I did get a couple of fan letters. Oh yes, the magazine folded six months later. Not due to my story. Gay bear magazines came and went like flies on honey.

A lot has changed in the techno-world and how we all inter-relate to it. Gay life is so diverse now, the "gay village" in Toronto is on the verge of disappearing since there is no need for a gay ghetto anymore. We don't need to band together in a tight little neighbourhood for protection. We can reach out to the whole world and proclaim who or what you are.

"I am a pig" was how the Barry (known as Vern in the story) would start his emails. We would chat about what he ate, who he lusted after. Usually very straight and very unattainable movie stars. He would do his best to freak out the mainstream leather bunch at the bars by getting down on all fours and grunting like a pig. The other patrons of the bar may have been sexual pigs - he wanted to be the real thing.
.....

pigson
by Bronson D. Smith
©2005


Randy had just turned on the Instant Messenger on his computer when it beeped “new message”. He ignored the bouncing ball and finished off his other internet chores.

    Email was a drag today. No new sales on the internet auction. A letter from his sister lamenting the curse of being closer to Mother than Randy was. And five spam messages extolling the benefits of “Cialis to keep your wife happy”.  He got rid of the wife years ago. And his first husbear lasted only eight months. Maybe being domestic was not in his cards. Yet.

    Vern sat in front of the terminal at the library. Waiting. He had sent his message to HogMaster. A declaration of his devotion to a man he had never met.
    “Please answer. I don’t have much time here.”
Vern looked at the library clock. He had the terminal for another five minutes. And it appeared that the anxious looking mother of two was the one waiting for use of the machine.  She frowned at Vern when he told her, “I’ve got four minutes left, lady.”

    Randy opened up his internet browser to start searching for possible dates for the weekend. He had registered on nearly all of the free big fat gay bear cub chub chaser sites. He gave checking out porn and hot men as a different definition and form of multitasking. He saw the bouncing ball of the Messenger, and pressed enter.

“TO HOGMASTER:
Hello, Sir. My name is Vern. I want to be your pig. I have seen your profile on the bearmen site as well as the biggerisbetter site. I like your pix and profile. I don’t know if you want to raise and fatten a piglet like me and turn him into a big fat hog. I know I can make you happy.  You can mark me as your own. Tattoo me. Brand this hog as your property. Please, Sir. Thank you, Sir. signed, pigson247.”

    Randy had not dealt with a message as detailed as that. It was usually a guttural piece like, “hot pix, man” or “wanna fuck?” He pressed the reply button, “will consider it.” And he added, “PIG”

    Vern was in seventh heaven. He had connected with the man who had taken over his dreams. Of being a pig. Living like a pig. Becoming a pig for his Master. HogMaster.
    He looked at the anxious woman behind him. She was not worth any caustic remark. He had better things to do. He had to eat.

    Randy was a big man who had seen his own share of disappointment. His world was changed when his wife ran off with another woman. It forced him to face his own encounters with members of the same sex.
And with his grief and depression, came the slide into food and sex addiction. The once buff and built 220# jock ballooned into a hefty man of 300#.
    Randy soon discovered a big gut was a marketable item on the meat market. He made up for his closeted days by fucking everything and everyone in sight. He loved the control he had on the bad little boys and the fat men who felt bad about being fat.
    Randy rubbed his large round hard beer belly. He loved the weight and feel of it. The fat ass trucker look made him hard when he looked in the mirror. And the bad ass leatherman cleared a path in the local leather bar when he arrived in his leather jacket, jeans and chaps, and smoking a large cigar. A Top Dom man. A HogMaster. Ready to discipline any bad little piggies.

    Vern sat quietly in his brother’s bedroom. His brother had signed off the computer and allowed Vern to use the machine. It was a nuisance to still live at home, but Vern’s recent layoff depleted nearly all of his savings.  Certainly not the life he imagined for a 25 year old.
    Vern dreamt of being in the arms of a lover. Who would be tall and strong and protect him from his enemies. And allow him to be the pig he wanted to be ever since he was a child. He longed to be huge and fat and live like a pig. Having food in a trough and live in a pig pen and fall asleep on a bed of straw.

    Randy struck out at the bar again. He chatted with some buddies he had played with. But no spark. No chemistry. Nothing he wanted to drag home and fuck.  He was all geared up but no place to go. So he turned on the computer, and went into the bellyboy chat room. Always good cyber sex for a jack off before going to sleep. He thought.

    Vern sat at the computer terminal and logged onto the bellyboy chatroom. He had met some nice guys but no one who could handle his fetish. Some fun talk but frustrating in the end. He entered his username, pigson247. The screen came alive with various chats and welcome notes, “hey pigson, howdy”.  And then he saw the name. HogMaster.

    Randy was bored. No bad little piggies to verbally abuse. Until he saw the name, pigson. The guy who had written to him that afternoon. Maybe be good for a laugh or too. Maybe shoot his load. Why not.

PRIVATE CHAT REQUEST FROM HOGMASTER

HogMaster> hey pig
> hello SIR
HogMaster> how ya doin’ pig?
> lonely Sir. I need a Master to take care of me.
> and use me. And make me a pig.
HogMaster> oink for the Master
> oink
HogMaster> LOUDER, PIG !
> OINK OINK ONNK snort snort SQUEEEEEL !!!
HogMaster> :)
HogMaster> good piggie
> thank you SIR
>thank you SIR
HogMaster> you gotta a pix, pig?
> I have a profile page SIR.

    Vern typed in a website address and sent it to the Master. He sat patiently and waited for a reply.

HogMaster> nice pix
HogMaster> PIG
> squeeeeeel. Thankyou SIR!! Thank you.

    Vern’s brother enter the bedroom. The computer screen went dark.
Randy was not upset at the closed connection. That happens often in chat rooms. He was close enough to cuming to finish the job off by himself. He thought about what it would be like to own his own gaining pig. A pig who wanted to be a big fat hog. That would be so sweet. Randy shot a load bigger than usual. It rocked his world.  He looked at the pix of pigson247.
    “Not a bad porker.”
He wiped the cum off his belly and chest, turned off the computer and fell into a deep sleep.

    Vern slept well. He dreamt of being branded “HogMaster’s pig” and being led around a leather bar wearing only a leather collar and chain. He was fat and hug and buck naked. Bare ass in the air. But no one dared to touch him. He was the HogMaster’s property. And his alone.
    Vern woke the next morning and concealed his stained sleep shorts. He looked at his body in the mirror as he shaved. He was chubby in shape with a nice round belly that rode up and cupped his full chest. He had some fur on his chest and belly and a thin treasure trail to his privates. Not bad for a man who wanted to gain at least 100  pounds and be turned into a pig.
    Recently, he only shaved on the days that he had a job interview. And today he was going to apply for the accounting position at Cuirview Publications. His employment guide gave him opportunity last week. He knew nothing of the company. Other than it published magazines and was in need of an accounting clerk to straighten up their subscription files.

    Randy sat in the office and waited for the next appointment. He had bought the magazine company from a buddy who was ill and had just passed away. His friend had let the company slide and it showed in the drop in subscription services and the quality of the magazine. Not to mention the accounting - account payable and accounts receivable.
He was going to tackle one thing at a time. And today Randy was going to hire a new accountant to make his life easier. Or so he thought.

    Vern sat nervously in the outer office. He stared at the cover art of the magazine that covered the walls. Cuirview was a gay leather mag. Fuck! His mother wouldn’t let him get this as a job. And his brother would beat him up for sure if he knew his baby brother was having a hard on while waiting for a job interview.
    The receptionist was a butch little number. In the eighties, he would be called a clone.  Today, a "circuit boi". Clipped hair and trimmed moustache. About twenty years old and five percent body fat.  He would alternate his gaze from the porn magazine he was reading, and glaring at Vern’s round gut. And he thought he saw the circuit boy mouth the words, “tubby boy” when Vern entered the room.

    Randy opened his office door. And spoke to the receptionist, “Kelly, is my 11 o’clock here?
    Kelly motioned over to Vern. Randy’s eyes opened wide. He knew who the next candidate was. Pigson247. In the real world. What a rush.
    Vern stared at Randy. He caught his breath. He lowered his eyes slightly and stood up. He was a little wobbly. He was going to shake the hand of the Master. HogMaster. In the real world. What a rush.

    “Hello, sir. I am Vern LaMarsh. A pleasure.” Vern extended his hand and met Randy halfway, and gave his hand a firm yet gentle handshake.
    “Glad you’re on time, LaMarsh.”
    Randy started walking back into his office. Vern followed behind him. Randy stood at the door and he motioned for Vern to sit at one of the chairs by his desk.
    “Kelly, we will be busy for the next hour or so. I’ve got a lot to go over with LaMarsh. Take your lunch early if you want.”
    Kelly grunted and put down his porn magazine and prepared to leave.
    “And Kelly, lock the door when you leave. And put a sign on the door. Out to lunch.”
   
    Randy closed the office door and walked back to his desk. It was a fine large mahogany desk that spoke of times when the magazine was the hot item of the 1980’s. That was before the leatherworld got hit with illness and despair and then became the dress code of the late nineties. The basis for leathersex was staging a resurgence due to the internet and it was Randy’s desire to keep the magazine afloat in print as well as in cyberspace.
    Vern sat in the overstuffed leather chair facing Randy. He watched the man of his desires sit opposite him. He heard his instructions to the receptionist. He was at a lost for words and actions and he started to hyperventilate.
    “Do you want a drink? Pig?”
    “Is this a scene or I don’t know? Or are we still doing the interview.”
    “You got the job before you got here. Pig.”
    Vern sighed a smile of relief. But remained confused.
    “Then why am I here?”
    “Cause I’m the boss. Your resume was great. Your referrals matched and the only reason you lost your last job was some dumb ass cooked the books and let you take the fall. And then confessed he destroyed the evidence to clear you. So, you have a choice. Pig.”
    Vern sat upright in the chair, uncertain of the next sentence.
    “You can sue McCormick and Sons and wait forever to get any money from them, ‘cause they’re fucked. Or you can work for me as my accountant. Pig.”
    “Is that all, sir?”
    Vern held his breath in anticipation. Please. Please. Please. Tell me what I want to hear, he thought to himself.
    “You will be my accountant. And my pig.”
    Vern let out a quiet little squeal. He grinned like a Cheshire cat or should I say, Cheshire pig.

    Randy opened the door to his home. It was in the better part of town. Gentrified within an inch of its life. A delightful painted lady. Another benefit of knowing the top real estate agents in the town. And having them  as fuckbuddies and frequent visitors to his dungeon.
    Vern was still in a daze. Within a few hours he had gone from being a unemployed wimp of an accountant, still living with his mother and older brother to being the potential possession of the Master of his dreams. In a house of his dreams. He kept himself from hyperventilating by thinking about his new job. Meaning the accountant job, not as the Master’s pig. That was not a job but a dream come true.

    Randy showed Vern where his bedroom was and the adjoining office. He felt that it would be best to keep Vern at the house and have him telecommute. That way he could stay in character as the pig. So Randy could control his whereabouts. He would introduce Vern to the role of being the pig gradually, so it would become second nature to him. And his main goal in life. To be the best and biggest hog in town.

    Vern’s mother was not pleased with the change and Vern’s brother thought it was queer for Vern to accept living accommodations from a complete stranger. But Vern didn’t care anymore. He was where he wanted to be. And soon he would be what he wanted to be. He just wondered how a pig could balance books with hooves for fingers.
   
    It didn’t take long for Vern to set up his new bedroom. It had a lovely view of the bay. The style was spartan but comfortable. It had a single bed, a simple bureau and side table. An average size closet on one side and the other wall was a full length mirror.
    Randy supplied Vern with a new state of the art computer in his office. That was where Vern focused his energies during the day to take the magazine out of the muck and make his new Master happy.
    It was not too difficult to see how bad the situation was. Vern spent the next two weeks just inputting information so it could be shifted and adapted to suit the needs of the company. Just as Vern was shifting and adapting his thought patterns to suit the needs of his Master.

    Randy treated Vern with respect and dignity while Vern was acting as the employee of Cuirview Magazine. But once the end of shift whistle blew, Vern was expected to be on call for the Master and to assume the role of the submissive pig. The Master’s property.
    The shift whistle blew. It was five o’clock. Time to become a pig in training. He anticipated the whistle and at times, became aroused as he stripped off his clothes and put on the pig’s collar and leash.
    Vern walked down the stairs to the living room, and planted himself on a special pig-rug by Randy’s leather recliner. Vern was expected to stay on all fours until given permission by the Master. He was allowed to stand on two feet while making dinner. But he would have to serve it in a submissive position. And have Randy watch him pour his own food into a plastic trough on the floor by the dining table.
    It didn’t take Vern long to learn how to eat like a pig. He got the idea from watching a bird drink water. He would fill his mouth with the food and chew it until it was ready. He would arch his head back and swallow while maintaining the appearance of being a pig at a trough.

    Randy enjoyed training Vern to be his pig. He had played with role playing, even with his wife, and got aroused by taking full control. He liked the advantage of going over the edge with his verbal abuse of his pig.
    “Hey, porker.”
    “Oink.”
    “You’re not getting as fat as you should, pig.”
    “Oink oink oink>”
    “But then, what would you know. Fat Ass!”
    Vern muttered a softer, sadder, “Oink.”
    Randy took Vern’s cue and stepped it up a notch. His face became flushed with excitement.
    “Let’s see that pig butt, Oinker.”
    Vern got back up on all fours and presented himself to his Master.
His furry butt and back fur were sheared to 1/4” to match his growing beard and chest hair. It gave the appearance of a pig’s fur. The rough texture of crackling.

    Randy took out a condom and a tub of lube. Quickly, he had Vern greased up and ready to go. With each thrust, Vern squealed a bit louder and louder.
    “Make noises for the Master, pig.”
    “Oink oink, snort, snort, squeal.”
    Vern’s back arched and bucked as Randy kept ploughing into his property. Faster and faster. Randy’s belly slapped against Vern’s growing backside. Pound. Pound. Slap. Slap. Pound. Slap. Butt slap. Belly slap.
    Randy howled like a bear in heat as he came in his prized possession. He lay sweating and exhausted on the fat back of his pig. He slowly regained his composure and dismounted the quivering mound of flesh.
Vern was pleased he made his Master come. He was pleased wearing his Master’s collar and leash. This was only the beginning to a life of servitude.

    Two months had passed and Randy and Vern had settled into a daily routine of magazine work, pig training and complete submission by the pig.  Vern’s family had visited his new home once.  Vern had gained fifty pounds since moving in with Randy, so his brother had ample reason to laughed at how fat his baby brother had become. After that, no further telephone calls, or letters. It made Vern wonder why he had placed so much importance in being the good boy. When he should have been focused on being the good pig.
    Randy weighed his pig once and week and marked on a wall chart, the pig’s progress. If Vern had gained weight, he would receive a treat. which often amounted to an outing in the car. Covered in a blanket and ordered to be quiet during the entire trip.  And sometimes the reward was extra food. Like chocolate. Vern loved chocolate. Especially  when it was broken up and put in his trough. It was difficult to get at it, which made the struggle even more special to the pig. He had to eat the chocolate to keep his Master happy. That is what he lived for. To keep his Master happy and to be the best pig he could be.

    Six months had passed since that fateful day when Vern walked into Randy’s office. Kelly, the receptionist, had run off with a sugar daddy from New Mexico. The magazine had regained it position in the top ten in international sales for the fat gay bear fetish leather market.
    It had gained significant inroads for their markets of the fat pig porn video dvd market. Seeing men eat and get fat and then get fucked and sucked and .. whatever, had become the new “in thing” to have in your porn collection. Bears were passé and fat hogs were hot.
    Randy had secretly been taping all of Vern’s progress from fat chubby to pig to big fat hog. He spliced the images of sexy obese having sex with other sexy obese men. Ball belly bears, pudgy pudding boys, and happy hogs were favourite subjects for the cover-art of the dvd’s.
    Vern had agreed to be filmed having sex with all the different men that his Master had arranged. He sucked and serviced and took the pain and pleasure of punishment by his Master’s hand, paddle or flogger.

    Vern was reduced to walking on all fours all the time now. Randy had refashioned flooring knee pads into two sets of hooves - on Vern’s hands and knees. His belly hung almost to the floor as he crawled. He did not venture outside at all anymore. He was buck naked all the time. Ready for sex, for food, for whatever his Master wanted of him. Even his office keyboard and screen were placed on the floor.

    The one year anniversary of Randy’s ownership of Vern was a special day for both of them. Randy had taken his pig out for a drive. The bright light was harsh on Vern’s eyes. His skin was bright pink, scrubbed and shiny crackling for this special day.
    When they returned home, Vern returned to his normal position on the floor. Randy let him by his leash to his bedroom.
    “I had changes done to your room, pig. More suitable for a big fat hog of your position.”
    Randy opened the bedroom door to reveal an empty room. No bed, no desk, no bureau. Just straw on the floor and a wooden picket fence pigpen in the corner.
    “Squeeeeeal.”
    Vern’s butt wiggled and he bounced up and down, shaking his belly fat and the rest of his porcine body.
    “Go inside, pig. You deserve it.”
    Vern waddled into the room. His four hundred pound mass of fat and blubber could hardly get through the door. But once in, Vern rolled and frolicked in the straw and settled into his pig pen. There was a special new trough for him at one end and a shiny water dish for him to drink out of. He was certainly the happiest pig on the planet.

    Later that night, Vern was woken up by Randy. Randy stood at the doorway. His frame was silhouetted by the light. He was in his leathers. Tight leather shirt and chaps with blue jeans underneath. High biker boots and leather cap. He was a wet dream for any man let alone a pig.
    He replaced Vern’s collar with a new studded on. They both smiled.
    “Here’s your going out collar, pig.”
    Vern shook his head and fat neck and enjoyed the new weight and smell of the leather. He was a happy pig.
    “Now that you are a full fledged pig. My pig. I can take you out now without embarrassing me.”
    Vern lowered his head in respect.
    “So, when you go out with me, as my pig, you will wear this collar, leather jock and special butt plug. ‘Cause no one gets your pig ass other than me.”
    Randy gave Vern the jockstrap. He was able to slip it on and it disappeared under his immense belly apron.  Randy then slapped his pig on the butt, and gently slipped a custom butt-plug into his pig’s butt-hole.
It was a butt-plug with a plastic curly pig tail at the end. With it inserted, it looked like his pig had a real pig’s tail.

    Vern looked at himself in the mirror. He was a big fat hog. He made his Master happy. And he had a pig’s tail. He was now complete.
    “Oink.”
    “Louder, pig.”
    “OINK!”
    “Good pig. My pig.”
- 30 -

"Pipebear" - fifty shades of black


Men, whether they are gay, or bisexual or exclusively heterosexual, are attracted to visual stimuli. Just look at the flood of images and sights and sounds on the internet, in books, dvd's, streamlining. An image for every taste and arousal and arousal for every taste.

Mind you, men are more apt to bring home the girl next door to Mom and Dad for approval for marriage, not the pole dancer or exotic film star. With gay men, there is a different approach since (until very recently) marriage was just a dream and Mom and Dad probably didn't approve of you and "your lifestyle" let alone a boyfriend, companion or mate.

For some men, out on the town meant one thing - getting laid. You are attracted to me - I am attracted to you - your place or mine or right here - right now.
But for others, they were looking for a soul mate, a partner to spend their life with. Someone to share and support each other's dreams and goal. And being aroused didn't hurt neither.

There are some naughty bits in this story but they carry the story along (like "gratuitous nudity" in movies). As outlined in the glossary in the other posting, you have a cast of characters who inhabit our story. Some boys look for Daddy to fill that gap in their life. One might go after a man they want to be like when they are older. Or maybe a reflection of themselves - but then opposites do attract as well.

Timmy was the type who wanted to emulate what he felt a masculine gay man would be like ( sound familiar?). It was easier to check out the pix of the porn stars and dream. But then, you might miss what is in front of you all the time.

...

"Pipebear"
by Bronson D. Smith
©2005

    Timmy was lost in his fantasy world again. He stood in the corner of the porn shop and gazed in awe at the rows and rows of sexually charged dvd’s. The men on most of the covers were what the mainstream gay world thought was the ideal male. A big musclebound smooth skinned twenty-something with only 5% bodyfat.
    But it was that other section that caught Timmy’s lustful eye. The bears range of porn. “Looking for Mr. Goodbear”. “I am Curious Ursine”. And Timmy’s favourite, “A New Pipe for Beary’s Cub”.

    He fondled the jewel case of the dvd. His fingers ran across the image of Beary, the hot Daddybear. He was what a real man looked like. Tall and sturdy. More like an oak tree than an oak barrel. A firm belly and full chest covered in a thin layer of fur. His face was graced with a rough but groomed full beard. Timmy felt flushed holding the object of his desire.
    “Better not drool on that, boy. DVD’s aren’t perfected yet.”
    Timmy looked up and saw a bear of a man standing beside him.
    “Nice looking guy,” Timmy spoke quickly, as he put back the DVD. “The guy on the DVD.”
    The big man smiled. He picked up the DVD that Timmy had returned to the shelf. “Not a bad looking cub.” He flipped the DVD to show Timmy the back of the case. “The boy on the DVD.”
    The big man laughed heartily and Timmy felt comfortable enough to join in.
    “You got me there.” Timmy added, hesitantly,” Sir.”

    The big man smiled and held the DVD in front of Timmy. “Do you mind if I buy this one. They don’t have another copy right now.”
    “Sure, go ahead, sir.”
    The big man walked to the cash desk and had the skinny clerk ring in the sale. The big man turned and waved to Timmy as he left the porn shop and re-entered the real world.

.....

    Timmy was at a loss for words. At his entry level accounting job, he couldn’t afford luxuries like porn. He had responsibilities and bills to pay. He had come to the shop once a week to see his DVD. To hold Beary in his hands, for a moment and then return him to his shelf. And now Beary was gone.
    Timmy left the store and it took a while for his eyes to adjust to the daylight. A large shadow form was in the doorway of the shop next door. He thought he was fantasizing again. It looked like Beary.
But it was the big man from the shop.

    He emerged from the stoop and stood very close to Timmy. He towered over the boy. He took Timmy’s hand and shook it with a firm but gentle handshake.
    “My name’s Bryan. My bud’s call my Bry.”
    “Ah, my name is Timm ... Tim. My name is Tim.”
    Bryan laughed with a sense of bravado. “Good. We got that settled.”
Bryan handed Tim the package from the porn shop.
    “I want you to have this. I saw you last month. Just like today. I know you’ll enjoy it.”
    “But why now. Here?”
    “The guys in the shop have enough for their chatterbox stories. Who bought what dildo. Who uses what lube and gloves and .. you get my drift?”

    Tim nodded in agreement. He peaked in the package and saw the cover shot of Beary. He looked up at his new found bud.
    “I don’t know what to say.” Tim chuckled, “you are much better looking than this guy. and you’re real.”
    “Are you ready for the real world, Tim?”
    Tim looked into the clear blue eyes of Bryan. His beard framed his perfect mouth and marvelous masculine face.
    “With you, sir? Yes.”
.....

    Tim met Bryan later that night and they went bar hopping along the gay watering holes. Bryan looked like a bearish wet-dream. in tight faded 501’s, spit and polish Docs, a dark blue plaid shirt and black leather bar vest.
    Tim did his best to match what he thought Bryan would want to see him wear. Black jeans, 6 hole Docs, a clean plain t-shirt and lightweight leather jacket. He bathed with soap and water but didn’t use any deodorant. He wanted to feel manly around his new friend.

    After visiting the most notorious leather bar, Tim was relieved when they left the bar together. A band of leatherclad men occupied most of Bryan’s attention and Tim felt jealous and inadequate.
    “What do you want to do next, boy?”
    Tim felt flushed again. “Whatever you want, sir.”
    Bryan pulled a neat brown wood pipe out of one pocket of his vest. It was a classic and simple shape. He took a small bag from the other pocket and lightly tapped some pipe tobacco into the well.
    He padded it down with his thumb and lit the mixture. The smell was like amphora. A musky scent that enveloped the two men. With a hint of cherry. Tim breathed in slowly through his nose.
    “I didn’t know you smoked a pipe, sir.”
    “You can’t light it up in bars anymore, but that’s ok. I like to enjoy a good smoke at the end of the evening.”
    “Oh, the end?”
    There was a hint of disappointment in Tim’s voice. He had hoped the evening would last forever. He was living a dream in the real world.
    “It’s a nice way to wind down. Before we go home.”
    Bryan smiled that smile that Tim grew to love and adore.

    It was around two in the morning when the two men arrived home. Bryan had filled his living space with books and paintings in a neat, masculine manner. It was more like a gentleman’s den than a living room. Bryan sat down in his well-loved recliner and lit up one of the pipes in the pipe-stand beside him.  Tim was hesitant as to wear to sit.
    “Why don’t you sit over there, boy.”
    Tim sat down on the overstuffed couch and felt lost in his massive size. Nervously, he pulled out a cigarette and fumbled for matches in his pocket.
    “That’s a nasty habit, boy. Maybe you should switch to a pipe, like me.”

    Tim froze in his tracks. He wanted to be like Bryan. He wanted to do whatever his Daddybear asked of him. Or told him what to do. But he didn’t want to look like a fool to his newfound friend.
    “I don’t know how to smoke a pipe, sir.”
    “Then, I’ll have to teach you. Come over here, boy.”
    Bryan motioned to Tim to sit at his feet. While Tim nestled himself on the floor between Bryan’s sturdy legs, Bryan picked out a pipe and tapped some tobacco in the well.
    “You hold it in your hand like this, and tap down the mixture. Not to much, boy. That’s it, boy. Good boy.”
    Tim followed Bryan’s instructions and slowly became more settled in his role at his Daddybear’s feet. He lit the pipe as Bryan showed him and was able to keep the tobacco alight. The sweet smoke surrounded the two men. Bryan was pleased with Tim’s actions. Tim beamed like an eager puppy, wanting to please his master. His Daddybear.
.....

    The lovemaking Tim experienced was not like any other man he had been with. Bryan was able to push all of Tim’s buttons and then take him further along into ecstasy. He loved feeling the weight of his Daddybear on top of him, pinning him down. Forcing him to take all of Bryan inside of him, even though he did so willingly. Making it seem like they had been together forever.
    After they were both spent and drained, they watched the “A New Pipe For Beary’s  Cub” DVD. Bryan held his pipe clenched firmly in his mouth. Tim tried to do the same but it didn’t fit as well and kept slipping.
    “In time, it will fit perfectly, boy. You’ll have it with you all the time.”
    “But I can’t smoke in the office. Sir.”
    ‘You can have an empty pipe in the office, right, boy?”
    “That should be OK, I think. Sir.”
    “Good boy.”
    “I want to be a good boy for you, sir.”
    “In time, boy, you will. You will.”
.....

    The next two weeks were a jumble of schedules, meetings, lovemaking, dreams and desires. Work flew by for Tim. He sat confidently in his office cubicle, trying to keep the empty pipe in his mouth for as long as he could. When he took a break and left it in the pipe tray Bryan had given him. he looked as it longingly. As if it was becoming a part of him and he missed the feel in his mouth.
    Dinners were at local restaurants, at Bryan’s,  and on special nights, Tim played host to his Daddybear. The first time Tim had Bryan over to his home, he had cleaned it over and over again. Afraid Bryan would find fault with his housekeeping. And his dinner. Tim had prepared a large lasagna casserole. Layers of meat and sauce and pasta sheets, done to perfection.
    “Very nice, boy.”
    “Thank you, sir. I am glad you like it.”
    “Maybe the next time we eat at my place, I’ll have you cook for a few friends of mine. I think it is time to start showing you off to my buds.”

    Tim was ready to split in two with his wide grin. In the past, his affairs had always been one on one. Never has a man wanted to show him off. He felt wonderful.
    “And this way,” Bryan continued, “You can get used to the kitchen.”
    Tim was in heaven. He tried to concentrate on chewing but was afraid he was going to choke. He cleared his throat.
    “Having trouble, boy? There’s a lot more to go through. You can’t let it go to waste. And I don’t like to see leftovers.”
    Bryan took his fork and gently scooped a piece of lasagna up and held it in front of Tim.
    “Open wide, boy.”
    Tim shuddered as he opened his mouth and accepted the first of many feedings by his Daddybear. Tim always thought he was too thin and wanted a physique that was more manly and masculine. Tim lusted after big burly men and dreamed of becoming one, one day. Today was the start of another journey. To be his Daddybear’s cub.
.....

    Six months later, Tim and Bryan were the couple to be admired and envied. Bryan had another one of his books published. They held a party in celebration at their home. Bryan was very pleased with his boy. He held himself well with the mixed crowd of straight and gay couples, and was able to converse with a variety of ages of men and women.
    Tim was proud of his Daddybear. He was respected and loved by friends and family alike. He had taught Tim to be proud of being a gay man and to be proud of being Bryan’s boy.
    The entertaining and meals and hectic schedule added extra inches to Tim’s frame. And when he learned of Bryan’s preference for Tim to be a gainer, the pounds added up quickly.

.....

    At the end of eleven months together, Tim and Bryan laid spend and drain on their bed. Tim rubbed the nice firm furry belly of his Daddybear. Bryan stroked with one finger, the barrel sized belly of his boy. He loved how his creation had evolved and grown. Bryan laughed when Tim demonstrated that he still had trouble keeping the pipe in his mouth.
    On the night of their anniversary of one year together, Bryan had prepared a special evening for his boy.  He had Tim sit in Bryan’s recliner and told him to drink a glass of wine in one gulp. Tim obeyed and the buzz from the vintage wine crept up quickly.

    Bryan smiled that smile that melted Tim’s heart and made him weak in the knees.  He cupped Tim’s chin in one hand and gently held open Tim’s mouth with the other. As the warm glow from the wine took effect, there was a sharp click sound in his head. Followed by another.
    Bryan ran his fingers along Tim’s teeth and explored his mouth. Tim smiled and reached out for Bryan’s belly. Bryan pulled away.
    “We’ll make love later, boy. Time for you to go out and greet the world as my PipeBear.”
    “But I thought I was your boy. Your cub.”
    “You are my love. But you have learned to stand on your own and be your own man. As well as my lover.”

    Bryan held his boy’s head and kissed him passionately with an open mouth and exploring tongue. They continued until they were both flushed with pleasure.
    “We better be going or we will never make the reservation. It is at The National Club. Ten of our friends will be there.”
    Tim helped his Daddybear into his evening jacket. Bryan smiled and pulled out a pipe from his pocket and lit it. The smoke circled his face like a halo.
        Tim tired to put on his jacket but found a box in one of the pockets.
    “Happy Anniversary. PipeBear.”
   
    Tim eagerly unwrapped the box and found a beautifully carved Merschantz pipe. His eyes glowed with excitement. Bryan handed him a pouch of their favourite pipe tobacco. Tim filled the well like an expert and lit the mixture. The amphora enveloped the two men.
    Tim never had any trouble keeping the pipe in his mouth ever again.
 
- 30 -