BUNNY IS DEAD - LONG LIVE BUNNY SMITH
On June 2, 2016, I ran out of the medication, Estrogel, that was helping me maintain my “Bunny” Smith biochemical and physical appearance. Since I am having financial difficulties due to budget cutbacks at work, I decided to stop my transitional treatments. Estrogen was for supplementing the female side of me and Cyproterone, the anti-androgen, was suppressing the male side of me. At my last blood work, estradiol (estrogen) was 260 and testosterone was 0.20. Technically a girl hormonally when in fact a castrated male.
I had been debating stopping treatments for the last six months. We are at the two-year mark for treatments and that is when in a majority of cases, what can be done has been done. The breasts will not get any bigger and fat distribution to create image of female and hips, waist and buttock should have done their thing. They hadn’t.
With my years of weight lifting, weight and natural physique, I was a big chested boy - 50”. As I girl on medication, I lost the upper body mass on my chest to create a more boob-like appearance instead of pecs and ended up with a smaller chest - 46”.
There was no change in waist measurement and my attempts at weight lost to help the illusion did not work. There was no change in hips or buttocks. So what was the point of continuing to buy costly medication - each one cost $100 - $150 for 2 months.
One of the main disadvantages I had was lack of support for the existence of Bunny as a person. Business colleagues were supportive, especially those dealing with inclusive situations in today’s society. Family support was lacking and my wearing of women’s clothing was tolerated as long as it did not identify me as being a female. The staff at Pennington’s were very supportive and I felt comfortable finding clothes to wear there.
People who were aware of the existence of Bunny as a person ( me) would initially ask about choice of gender in conversation and how to address me. Then forget and call me Bronson or use “he” instead of “she”. At one point in this adventure I would even get angry at customers for addressing me with “thank you sir”. I didn’t want to be a “sir” I wanted to be regarded as neutral or a “miss”.
One of the nicest experiences I had along that line was a customer at the restaurant who got confused about gender -
“Thank you miss. (I smiled) Oh I’m sorry, do you prefer or sir?”
My response was, “it doesn’t matter as long as you are polite.”
“That is how it should be.”
There has been a lot of turmoil in the press about gender identity and choices. Who or what to accept and what is real or not.
My desire to be Bunny was real and I feel she is a part of me and my persona. Due to my upbringing a great deal of my natural responses were suppressed and vilified. Bunny was met with a lot of self-hatred and confusion. In discussion with my doctor, it was suggested that I might be classed as gender-fluid in that part of the gender spectrum. I never classified myself growing up as MALE. Even though as an adult I work very hard to create a male visual to hide the feminine side of my thoughts and actions. The emergence of Bunny allowed me to accept all nuances of my persona - male - female - even neutral.
The one main thing I did not like about the medical treatments for transitioning is the absence of sexual desire. No arousal of any sort for two years. Not for men or for women. Even though I did like looking at women’s breasts - paralleling my former invested in men’s pecs. The desire to compete or the “rush” of getting new ideas and images disappeared. I stopped painting for a year due to economic reasons ( the year before spending $5,000.00 on a series of paintings - only to sell $1,000.00 worth. It was as if Bronson Smith (aka Geoffrey Smith) the artist did not exist.
It was interesting in how much of what made up the person know as Bronson was made up of testosterone. When I was diagnosed with Prostate Cancer in 2009, I dismissed the post-surgery side effect of lack of sex, erections, and penile size. My life was more important. I dealt with the issues with a wonderful online support group. But when the cancer returned and I went through radiation treatment. The side effects hit home with an even smaller package and having testosterone as the enemy. I was constantly reminded of what was now gone from my life. I still looked at men and compared myself to them and alway ended up the loser.
With the medical treatments and labelling myself as a castrated male, there was no pressure to compete - I had nothing to work with. I stopped comparing myself to others. I stopped competing with others. And essentially, gave up. What’s the point.
But somewhere in the back of my mind, my memories and documented events that I experienced (thanks to memory pages on Facebook) in my artist profile and web pages kept reminding me of what was. And I missed it.
So as I start my de-transitioning, I will take it one step at a time. The estrogen (pro-girl) has run out so just staying with the anti-androgen (anti-boy pills) until they run out so it is not just a shock to the system.
Mind you, a couple of lab tests ago (I have lab work every three months) I had reverted to being a boy even though taking all the pills and such. So we will see what happens this time.
I am not looking forward to boy sweat and stink again. I have had problems with body odour since a teenager and being a girl was a breath of fresh air.
I am not looking forward to anger and suicidal thoughts. Those have plagued me since childhood and I enjoyed not having suicide as an option to overcome my problems.
And the presence of anger and destructive thoughts is a reflection of my abusive family upbringing and I will not allow them to control my life.
Bunny is dead - long live Bunny Smith - Bronson Smith - Geoffrey Smith.
Thank you for your time.
Monday, 6 June 2016
Monday, 7 September 2015
A Year Being Bunny
September 2015
A year ago I started a journey rediscovering myself and who I am.
It started October 2013 when my Mother passed away. She was a source of love, pain, confusion, and abuse. She was a product of her own abusive family and time period in which certain actions were tolerated. Our family was viewed as the community’s ideal when if fact it was a source of physical and emotional abuse, alcoholism, depression and suicidal thoughts.
As time progressed more and more elements of me became hidden and Geoffrey ( my original name) tried to hide my femininity by become more and more hyper-masculine in adulthood. That included a new masculine name - Bronson - tattoos, multiple piercings, various fetishes, leather culture, facial hair and various extreme hairstyles.
In March 2014 I became overwhelmed with needing to be more feminine in my actions and appearance. Those thoughts originated in childhood and whenever they surfaced they were suppressed and deemed as evil by my family.
I started herbal supplements that were supposed to increase breast size and feminize a man’s body. They were the introduction to the “Bunny” side of personality. They created an aura of acceptance. It also brought out the anger I suppressed to my situation with my partner, work and how I had been treated by parents. It was overwhelming and I use the phrase “a mental breakdown” to describe how I was feeling. It was like living in a different world.
In August I started an authorized regime of hormones by my Encocrynologist - to increase estrogen levels and decrease testosterone. Currently I am biochemically classified as a women with 490 level of estrogen and 0.10 level of testosterone - essentially a castrated male.
After months of reflection and some physical changes to my body, I believe I do not want to go the full route to be a woman. But more of who I was as a child - a girly boy (or a boyly girl). I have always had a big chest due to working out at the gym. My boy chest was bigger than my current girl chest - which is softer and rounder.
I had shaved off my moustache and goatee to be more “Bunny-like” after having facial hair for almost 40 years. The face I saw in the mirror was who I saw, even when I had various moustache and goatee combinations. I am currently growing it back and feel more comfortable with the image of I see.
I am planning to stop the hormone therapy after seeing my Endocrinologist at the end of September. I am afraid of the changes that will occur when the testosterone increases. I have not been happy with all of the changes but feel that Bunny is a better person. Even though she sees the world differently than Bronson.
Being Bronson … Being Bunny
Bronson - has suicidal thoughts daily - no suicidal thoughts as Bunny.
Bronson - angry all the time at family, work, partner, money situation, praying hourly for forgiveness and support - Bunny does not feel a need for such feelings and events are “water off a duck’s back” and not to be stressed out about.
Bronson - thoughts in his head all the time - visual imagery that had to be translated into artwork or documented - never-ending conflict of good and bad thoughts - often a rollercoaster of emotions - currently no such thoughts - an empty head - free from conflict … but no urgency or demands or desires - empty feeling.
Bronson liked extreme fetish clothes that gave illusion of hyper masculinity - while Bunny liked shopping and wearing some moderate women’s clothing and being accepted at woman’s clothing store as be a “Bunny” and a “she”.
Bronson’s life was centred on his sexuality as reward and goal incentives - Bunny has no sexual desires or needs. She is attracted to women rather than men. A man’s body seems silly and icky… exactly like what Bronson felt about a woman’s body.
No need for going for female surgery - not interested in fulfilling that.
What I miss most about being Bunny is the artist side of myself - it is gone. I miss the desires and demands of being creative. Bunny is more literary while Bronson is more visual. Also, Bronson is the one who pushed and pushed and created resources for making money, fundraising for charity and interested in being noticed and recognized for his skills and personality. Bunny is dynamic and gets things done but more in the background.
I do not like being invisible.
I need to exist. Do I exist as Bunny or as Bronson. Maybe a combination of both?
That is what I have to decide.
A year ago I started a journey rediscovering myself and who I am.
It started October 2013 when my Mother passed away. She was a source of love, pain, confusion, and abuse. She was a product of her own abusive family and time period in which certain actions were tolerated. Our family was viewed as the community’s ideal when if fact it was a source of physical and emotional abuse, alcoholism, depression and suicidal thoughts.
As time progressed more and more elements of me became hidden and Geoffrey ( my original name) tried to hide my femininity by become more and more hyper-masculine in adulthood. That included a new masculine name - Bronson - tattoos, multiple piercings, various fetishes, leather culture, facial hair and various extreme hairstyles.
In March 2014 I became overwhelmed with needing to be more feminine in my actions and appearance. Those thoughts originated in childhood and whenever they surfaced they were suppressed and deemed as evil by my family.
I started herbal supplements that were supposed to increase breast size and feminize a man’s body. They were the introduction to the “Bunny” side of personality. They created an aura of acceptance. It also brought out the anger I suppressed to my situation with my partner, work and how I had been treated by parents. It was overwhelming and I use the phrase “a mental breakdown” to describe how I was feeling. It was like living in a different world.
In August I started an authorized regime of hormones by my Encocrynologist - to increase estrogen levels and decrease testosterone. Currently I am biochemically classified as a women with 490 level of estrogen and 0.10 level of testosterone - essentially a castrated male.
After months of reflection and some physical changes to my body, I believe I do not want to go the full route to be a woman. But more of who I was as a child - a girly boy (or a boyly girl). I have always had a big chest due to working out at the gym. My boy chest was bigger than my current girl chest - which is softer and rounder.
I had shaved off my moustache and goatee to be more “Bunny-like” after having facial hair for almost 40 years. The face I saw in the mirror was who I saw, even when I had various moustache and goatee combinations. I am currently growing it back and feel more comfortable with the image of I see.
I am planning to stop the hormone therapy after seeing my Endocrinologist at the end of September. I am afraid of the changes that will occur when the testosterone increases. I have not been happy with all of the changes but feel that Bunny is a better person. Even though she sees the world differently than Bronson.
Being Bronson … Being Bunny
Bronson - has suicidal thoughts daily - no suicidal thoughts as Bunny.
Bronson - angry all the time at family, work, partner, money situation, praying hourly for forgiveness and support - Bunny does not feel a need for such feelings and events are “water off a duck’s back” and not to be stressed out about.
Bronson - thoughts in his head all the time - visual imagery that had to be translated into artwork or documented - never-ending conflict of good and bad thoughts - often a rollercoaster of emotions - currently no such thoughts - an empty head - free from conflict … but no urgency or demands or desires - empty feeling.
Bronson liked extreme fetish clothes that gave illusion of hyper masculinity - while Bunny liked shopping and wearing some moderate women’s clothing and being accepted at woman’s clothing store as be a “Bunny” and a “she”.
Bronson’s life was centred on his sexuality as reward and goal incentives - Bunny has no sexual desires or needs. She is attracted to women rather than men. A man’s body seems silly and icky… exactly like what Bronson felt about a woman’s body.
No need for going for female surgery - not interested in fulfilling that.
What I miss most about being Bunny is the artist side of myself - it is gone. I miss the desires and demands of being creative. Bunny is more literary while Bronson is more visual. Also, Bronson is the one who pushed and pushed and created resources for making money, fundraising for charity and interested in being noticed and recognized for his skills and personality. Bunny is dynamic and gets things done but more in the background.
I do not like being invisible.
I need to exist. Do I exist as Bunny or as Bronson. Maybe a combination of both?
That is what I have to decide.
Tuesday, 24 March 2015
SPARK PHOTO FESTIVAL 2015 - "LABELS" - APRIL 1 - 30, 2015
Note: this is a work in progress - end result will be an e-book in which percentage of sales will be donated to YES - Youth Emergency Shelter - Peterborough
...................................................
You are cordially invited to a SPARK PHOTO FESTIVAL 2015 Exhibition
by Bronson “Bunny” Smith
“LABELS”
The labels we put on ourselves as well as the ones that society puts on us, can limit our personal sense of well-being and self-worth, and creative potential.
The project is primarily made up of “selfies” using my Mac computer’s app Photo booth. The imagery is gritty and textural. Enjoy.
……………………………….
DATE:
Wednesday, April 1 to Thursday, April 30, 2015.
LOCATION:
This & That Shop - 330 Charlotte Street, Peterborough, Ontario
OPENING RECEPTION:
Friday, April 3 - 4:00pm - 9:00pm - water / soft drinks / veggies / nibbles -
YOUTUBE:
https://www.youtube.com/
Quicktime Movie of Photos from Exhibition
PRICING:
EXHIBITION - 24 framed photographs for sale - $1500.00
PHOTO REPRINTS - (unframed or similar framing) $50.00 each
NOTE:
50% of sales will be donated to YES - Youth Emergency Services - Peterborough
For more information please contact:
Bronson “Bunny” Smith
473 DONEGAL STREET, PETERBOROUGH, ONTARIO K9H 4L7
705-874-9600 … 705-933-9600 … http://bronsonsmith.com/ tatt2man@mac.com … tatt2man1955@gmail.com
………………………………
“LABELS”
by Bronson “Bunny” Smith
The labels we put on ourselves as well as the ones that society puts on us, can limit our personal sense of well-being and self-worth, and creative potential.
The project is primarily made up of “selfies” using my Mac computer’s app Photo booth.
“Labels” Exhibition - $1200.00
Individual Photograph reprints - $50.00 each -unframed/framed ( similar framing to exhibition)
Note: 50% of sales will be donated to YES - Youth Emergency Services - Peterborough
For more information please contact:
Bronson “Bunny” Smith - 705-874-9600 -or- tatt2man1955@gmail.com
…………………………………
....................................................
FORMAT OF TEXT - # of Image - LABEL - ONLINE DICTIONARY DEFINITION - STORY/COMMENTS RELATING TO PHOTO AND EFFECT OF LABEL
....................................................
.....................................................
insert pix of a memory
1- A MEMORY - Something remembered from the past: a recollection
- me back in the 2000's in Toronto - I could say things were better back then, but I would be lying.
insert pix of bad ass
2- BAD ASS - A tough, uncompromising, or intimidating person
- girls and boys are attracted to the bad-boy look - a bit of rough -don't mess with me attitude
insert pix of boy
3- BOY - referring to the submissive partner to a dominant gay man - Daddy or Sir
-also, a big boy is desirable to those who think being fatter is healthy - not affected by the pandemic of HIV and AIDS
4- BUTCH - manlike or masculine in appearance or behaviour, typically aggressively
- an allusion to masculinity - a stylized view of what makes a man a man
5- WIFEBEATER - Apparently from the association of such a garment with men who commit domestic violence.
-giving a rough and tough image even though not involved with any negative activity -
6- CANCER CAME BACK - after 3 years in remission - the PSA was up again
- the look of failure and regret - I went through the surgery and loss of my physical self and potency - and still the cancer came back -
7- IN REMISSION - A diminution of the seriousness or intensity of disease or pain; a temporary recovery
- how can you be happy when your buddies are getting worse and dying - I am better and you are not - rings hollow - the remission could fail -
8- IMPOTENT - Unable to take effective action; helpless or powerless
- the loss of physical self and sense of being is lost with the changes and coping with the new me -
9- EMPTY - Having no value or purpose
- the loss of self leaves just a shell for others to see
10- MASCULINE - Of or denoting a gender of mouns and adjectives, conventionally regarded as male
- add the clothes, the workouts, the facial hair and sunglasses - does it work - is it real? -
11- FEMME - an effeminate male homosexual who takes a traditionally feminine sexual role
-what is the true sense of self - the inner child that would play with dolls and do their clothes and hair - and loved reading the women's magazine - and being taken care of -
12- BRONSON - the name I chose in 1994 to replace my baptismal name of Geoffrey
- an image of self - trying to protect a happy image content with life -
13- BUNNY - the acceptance of the feminine side of self and using nickname from high school days
- the realization of self - blending the current with the past - accepting the future and comfortable with the present -
14- SANE - of sound mind; not mad or mentally ill
- when the goals and directions are clear and the path is lined up for success -
15- INSANE - In a state of mind that prevents normal perception, behavious, or social interaction; mentally ill
- when the goals and directions are muddy and the path is lined up for failure due to fears and internal conflict -
16- STRAIGHT - being heterosexual
- I still laugh when people ask me if I have any children and / or a wife - you have to be kidding -
17- BISEXUAL - Sexually attracted to both men and women
- I was first called bisexual by a boy in my 8th grade class. That was the new school and classmates who beat me up on a regular basis for being different -
18- GAY - a friendlier phrase to use other than homosexual to describe self or others attracted to men
- I own that word and it will not hurt me anymore - I have the pink gay triangle tattooed on my right arm -
19- QUEER - Strange; odd
- allowing myself to be queer - not so polite and finding a gentle pathway -
20- FAGGOT - offensive - A male homosexual
- still view it as a negative phrase - still view it as a phrase I apply to myself and self-worth -
21- NON-BINARY - defining self of the two genders
- I am a man - who is not a man - I am a woman who is not a woman -
22- ON THE FENCE - undecided and waffling
- I miss my goatee and moustache - but like everything else -
23- SEXY - Sexually attractive or exciting
- I want to feel sexy again - have not felt desirable for many years -
24- SICK - Affected by physical or mental illness
- a close friend saw me with my painted nails and called me "sick" to my face... I am not sick -
25- SUICIDAL - Deeply unhappy or depressed and likely to commit suicide
- it is so easy to hide the truth from others - and have the messages of hope and support you freely give to others - be the same messages you want to hear for yourself -
26- SELF-PORTRAIT - A portrait of an artist produced or created by that artist
- this is how I look at that point in time - part of a fundraiser - had a shaved head and goatee for over 20 years in total -
27- HAPPY - Feeling or showing pleasure or contentment
- this is how I want to be - how I want to feel - how I want to live - happy -
.................................................
.................................................
Biography
Geoffrey Smith, born in Ottawa in 1955, has been a professional artist since the age of 10, selling wire sculptures to several art galleries across Canada.
I began creating wood relief paintings - Modern Primitive Wood Paintings (acrylic on routered plywood with balsa wood strips) in 1983.
I changed my name from Geoffrey to Bronson (a family name) June 2, 1994, as part of my personal growth. “Bunny” was added in 2014.
My work has been honoured with First Prize - Folk Art at the Toronto Outdoor Art Exhibition; Best of Show at the Beth Tikvah Art Show; Honourable Mention and Best 3-D / Mixed Media at the Warkworth Festival Art Show and People’s Choice Award at The Lindsay Gallery.
In 2014 I returned to my love of photography and the photographic image with my work
on “Labels”. The last photographic series I had done was on “The Abandoned Outports
of Newfoundland” in 1987. I am currently compiling a collection of my photographs of the heritage buildings torn down for the 407 ETR Toll Highway expansion.
For a listing of private & corporate Collections, Exhibitions, Commissions, Galleries, please visit my website - http://bronsonsmith.com
BRONSON “Bunny” SMITH
473 Donegal Street
Peterborough, Ontario
Canada K9H 4L7
Home - 705-874-9600
Cell -705-933-9600
Main Email - tatt2man@mac.com
2nd Email - tatt2man1955@gmail.com
Art Website - http://bronsonsmith.com
Facebook - http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=724638794&ref=name
Youtube - http://youtu.be/YeqrBr7Ki2g
twitter - @smithmeek
.................................................
................................................
...................................................
You are cordially invited to a SPARK PHOTO FESTIVAL 2015 Exhibition
by Bronson “Bunny” Smith
“LABELS”
The labels we put on ourselves as well as the ones that society puts on us, can limit our personal sense of well-being and self-worth, and creative potential.
The project is primarily made up of “selfies” using my Mac computer’s app Photo booth. The imagery is gritty and textural. Enjoy.
……………………………….
DATE:
Wednesday, April 1 to Thursday, April 30, 2015.
LOCATION:
This & That Shop - 330 Charlotte Street, Peterborough, Ontario
OPENING RECEPTION:
Friday, April 3 - 4:00pm - 9:00pm - water / soft drinks / veggies / nibbles -
YOUTUBE:
https://www.youtube.com/
Quicktime Movie of Photos from Exhibition
PRICING:
EXHIBITION - 24 framed photographs for sale - $1500.00
PHOTO REPRINTS - (unframed or similar framing) $50.00 each
NOTE:
50% of sales will be donated to YES - Youth Emergency Services - Peterborough
For more information please contact:
Bronson “Bunny” Smith
473 DONEGAL STREET, PETERBOROUGH, ONTARIO K9H 4L7
705-874-9600 … 705-933-9600 … http://bronsonsmith.com/ tatt2man@mac.com … tatt2man1955@gmail.com
………………………………
“LABELS”
by Bronson “Bunny” Smith
The labels we put on ourselves as well as the ones that society puts on us, can limit our personal sense of well-being and self-worth, and creative potential.
The project is primarily made up of “selfies” using my Mac computer’s app Photo booth.
Bullying
is like a swarm of bees. Back in my youth, you'd get stung or bothered
by one or more & swat them away. Now with the immediacy of social
network and media it has become a rapid swarm of bees and you can get
stung to death.
The selfie styled photo show "Labels" is an offshoot of what has been very popular in the news - bullying - we all want & need a positive image of oneself. Labels can hurt - "... sticks and stones can break my bones but words can never harm me ..." - what labels are you carrying around within yourself.
The selfie styled photo show "Labels" is an offshoot of what has been very popular in the news - bullying - we all want & need a positive image of oneself. Labels can hurt - "... sticks and stones can break my bones but words can never harm me ..." - what labels are you carrying around within yourself.
“Labels” Exhibition - $1200.00
Individual Photograph reprints - $50.00 each -unframed/framed ( similar framing to exhibition)
Note: 50% of sales will be donated to YES - Youth Emergency Services - Peterborough
For more information please contact:
Bronson “Bunny” Smith - 705-874-9600 -or- tatt2man1955@gmail.com
…………………………………
....................................................
FORMAT OF TEXT - # of Image - LABEL - ONLINE DICTIONARY DEFINITION - STORY/COMMENTS RELATING TO PHOTO AND EFFECT OF LABEL
....................................................
.....................................................
insert pix of a memory
1- A MEMORY - Something remembered from the past: a recollection
- me back in the 2000's in Toronto - I could say things were better back then, but I would be lying.
insert pix of bad ass
2- BAD ASS - A tough, uncompromising, or intimidating person
- girls and boys are attracted to the bad-boy look - a bit of rough -don't mess with me attitude
insert pix of boy
3- BOY - referring to the submissive partner to a dominant gay man - Daddy or Sir
-also, a big boy is desirable to those who think being fatter is healthy - not affected by the pandemic of HIV and AIDS
4- BUTCH - manlike or masculine in appearance or behaviour, typically aggressively
- an allusion to masculinity - a stylized view of what makes a man a man
5- WIFEBEATER - Apparently from the association of such a garment with men who commit domestic violence.
-giving a rough and tough image even though not involved with any negative activity -
6- CANCER CAME BACK - after 3 years in remission - the PSA was up again
- the look of failure and regret - I went through the surgery and loss of my physical self and potency - and still the cancer came back -
7- IN REMISSION - A diminution of the seriousness or intensity of disease or pain; a temporary recovery
- how can you be happy when your buddies are getting worse and dying - I am better and you are not - rings hollow - the remission could fail -
8- IMPOTENT - Unable to take effective action; helpless or powerless
- the loss of physical self and sense of being is lost with the changes and coping with the new me -
9- EMPTY - Having no value or purpose
- the loss of self leaves just a shell for others to see
10- MASCULINE - Of or denoting a gender of mouns and adjectives, conventionally regarded as male
- add the clothes, the workouts, the facial hair and sunglasses - does it work - is it real? -
11- FEMME - an effeminate male homosexual who takes a traditionally feminine sexual role
-what is the true sense of self - the inner child that would play with dolls and do their clothes and hair - and loved reading the women's magazine - and being taken care of -
12- BRONSON - the name I chose in 1994 to replace my baptismal name of Geoffrey
- an image of self - trying to protect a happy image content with life -
13- BUNNY - the acceptance of the feminine side of self and using nickname from high school days
- the realization of self - blending the current with the past - accepting the future and comfortable with the present -
14- SANE - of sound mind; not mad or mentally ill
- when the goals and directions are clear and the path is lined up for success -
15- INSANE - In a state of mind that prevents normal perception, behavious, or social interaction; mentally ill
- when the goals and directions are muddy and the path is lined up for failure due to fears and internal conflict -
16- STRAIGHT - being heterosexual
- I still laugh when people ask me if I have any children and / or a wife - you have to be kidding -
17- BISEXUAL - Sexually attracted to both men and women
- I was first called bisexual by a boy in my 8th grade class. That was the new school and classmates who beat me up on a regular basis for being different -
18- GAY - a friendlier phrase to use other than homosexual to describe self or others attracted to men
- I own that word and it will not hurt me anymore - I have the pink gay triangle tattooed on my right arm -
19- QUEER - Strange; odd
- allowing myself to be queer - not so polite and finding a gentle pathway -
20- FAGGOT - offensive - A male homosexual
- still view it as a negative phrase - still view it as a phrase I apply to myself and self-worth -
21- NON-BINARY - defining self of the two genders
- I am a man - who is not a man - I am a woman who is not a woman -
22- ON THE FENCE - undecided and waffling
- I miss my goatee and moustache - but like everything else -
23- SEXY - Sexually attractive or exciting
- I want to feel sexy again - have not felt desirable for many years -
24- SICK - Affected by physical or mental illness
- a close friend saw me with my painted nails and called me "sick" to my face... I am not sick -
25- SUICIDAL - Deeply unhappy or depressed and likely to commit suicide
- it is so easy to hide the truth from others - and have the messages of hope and support you freely give to others - be the same messages you want to hear for yourself -
26- SELF-PORTRAIT - A portrait of an artist produced or created by that artist
- this is how I look at that point in time - part of a fundraiser - had a shaved head and goatee for over 20 years in total -
27- HAPPY - Feeling or showing pleasure or contentment
- this is how I want to be - how I want to feel - how I want to live - happy -
.................................................
.................................................
Biography
Geoffrey Smith, born in Ottawa in 1955, has been a professional artist since the age of 10, selling wire sculptures to several art galleries across Canada.
I began creating wood relief paintings - Modern Primitive Wood Paintings (acrylic on routered plywood with balsa wood strips) in 1983.
I changed my name from Geoffrey to Bronson (a family name) June 2, 1994, as part of my personal growth. “Bunny” was added in 2014.
My work has been honoured with First Prize - Folk Art at the Toronto Outdoor Art Exhibition; Best of Show at the Beth Tikvah Art Show; Honourable Mention and Best 3-D / Mixed Media at the Warkworth Festival Art Show and People’s Choice Award at The Lindsay Gallery.
In 2014 I returned to my love of photography and the photographic image with my work
on “Labels”. The last photographic series I had done was on “The Abandoned Outports
of Newfoundland” in 1987. I am currently compiling a collection of my photographs of the heritage buildings torn down for the 407 ETR Toll Highway expansion.
For a listing of private & corporate Collections, Exhibitions, Commissions, Galleries, please visit my website - http://bronsonsmith.com
BRONSON “Bunny” SMITH
473 Donegal Street
Peterborough, Ontario
Canada K9H 4L7
Home - 705-874-9600
Cell -705-933-9600
Main Email - tatt2man@mac.com
2nd Email - tatt2man1955@gmail.com
Art Website - http://bronsonsmith.com
Facebook - http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=724638794&ref=name
Youtube - http://youtu.be/YeqrBr7Ki2g
twitter - @smithmeek
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Thursday, 12 March 2015
Reducing Debt Load = Projects to help Marginal - Gay - Trans Youth
Reducing Debt Load = Projects to help Marginal - Gay - Trans Youth-2
I need help to help others - the freedom to complete projects.
I need help to help others - the freedom to complete projects.
Sunday, 8 February 2015
- reflections on St.Valentine's Day - the "V " word
St.Valentine's Day - or simply Valentine's Day can be the most delightful and moving moment of the year or a heart-wretching one. The card shops and racks are stocked to the brim with brightly coloured red and pink hearts and imagery with witty or saucy phrases that would make your maiden Aunt giggle or blush due to embarrassment.
The humour that used to exist in the cards at this time of year have turned from red to blue and seem more suited to a bunch of pre-pubscent boys (or at least their frat house buddies) than to move the heart of the woman or man (pick your own choice of gender) to be your Valentine forever. Or at least until next year.
With all that is going on in my life, I was not willing to kowtow to the greeting card company companions of Cupid (who is not seen as much on the cards these days possibly due to child labour laws) and buy a card for $8.99 and up that spewed platitudes of "undying love", "I love you's" ad nauseum, with illustrated hugs and kisses and elements of a long term relationship that may or may not exist anymore.
Just let me say "I still love you" and leave it at that.
Love has been an awkward thing for me since I don't know if I really know what it means or feels like, or is it in my personal makeup at all.
With my upbringing by abusive parents, love = hate = fear. I loved my parents but feared their wrath and hated what they did to my sister and me and to each other. There were days in which all you could think of was "when is the other shoe going to drop" and the abusive behaviour is repeated over again . It's like, you get a cookie if you're sad ... a cookie if you're happy, a cookie if you are successful.. and no cookie if you are bad. And you are told you are bad again and again.
I have been polyamourous (able to be in love with two or more people at once) over the years. My relationship with my first companion, John, evolved from (his term) housemate to boyfriend to lover to common-law husband.
When things got bad due to his alcoholism that lover relationship that was full of anger and fear and disappoint dissolved and John became "my beloved". That is how I referred to him in the last year of his life. I had lost him to his alcoholism and couldn't change it. So all of what occurred previously in those fifteen years were absolved, and he was free from any of my blame or regret or anger. He was "my beloved."
When he passed a part of me died with him, as it is with couples. Never again will we share time or a thought, a chuckle, an intimate moment together or ... , you can fill in the blanks.
Sometimes with love, the hurt becomes part of the story. The absence becomes the rule of the day. Your life together and love becomes what it is - more of a platonic relationship, no longer intimate but loving, but in a different way.
My prostate cancer, the surgery and radiation treatment, took away a great deal of the energy that I used to have. The passion was cut out of me too, and often I did my best to masquerade my feelings so I appeared to be the person I used to be. Sexual energy feeds the spirit and the heart and can be used as a reward or goal. It can be the muse that inspires you to create and share with others that inspiration. It stirs up the emotions and challenges you to challenge yourself and delve into what makes you "tick".
So to all who read this, whether they be young or old with a body that is still intact or having some parts missing (or replaced), tell your loved one they are loved.
Cherish the person you have chosen to share your life and love with.
Share the joy of the passion of sharing your love on Valentine's Day every day of the year.
They deserve to hear that and share that with you, so you two can be "the beloved".
With hugs and kisses,
Snuggles and sniggles,
Lots of love,
Bronson "Bunny"
The humour that used to exist in the cards at this time of year have turned from red to blue and seem more suited to a bunch of pre-pubscent boys (or at least their frat house buddies) than to move the heart of the woman or man (pick your own choice of gender) to be your Valentine forever. Or at least until next year.
With all that is going on in my life, I was not willing to kowtow to the greeting card company companions of Cupid (who is not seen as much on the cards these days possibly due to child labour laws) and buy a card for $8.99 and up that spewed platitudes of "undying love", "I love you's" ad nauseum, with illustrated hugs and kisses and elements of a long term relationship that may or may not exist anymore.
Just let me say "I still love you" and leave it at that.
.....
With my upbringing by abusive parents, love = hate = fear. I loved my parents but feared their wrath and hated what they did to my sister and me and to each other. There were days in which all you could think of was "when is the other shoe going to drop" and the abusive behaviour is repeated over again . It's like, you get a cookie if you're sad ... a cookie if you're happy, a cookie if you are successful.. and no cookie if you are bad. And you are told you are bad again and again.
I have been polyamourous (able to be in love with two or more people at once) over the years. My relationship with my first companion, John, evolved from (his term) housemate to boyfriend to lover to common-law husband.
When things got bad due to his alcoholism that lover relationship that was full of anger and fear and disappoint dissolved and John became "my beloved". That is how I referred to him in the last year of his life. I had lost him to his alcoholism and couldn't change it. So all of what occurred previously in those fifteen years were absolved, and he was free from any of my blame or regret or anger. He was "my beloved."
When he passed a part of me died with him, as it is with couples. Never again will we share time or a thought, a chuckle, an intimate moment together or ... , you can fill in the blanks.
Sometimes with love, the hurt becomes part of the story. The absence becomes the rule of the day. Your life together and love becomes what it is - more of a platonic relationship, no longer intimate but loving, but in a different way.
My prostate cancer, the surgery and radiation treatment, took away a great deal of the energy that I used to have. The passion was cut out of me too, and often I did my best to masquerade my feelings so I appeared to be the person I used to be. Sexual energy feeds the spirit and the heart and can be used as a reward or goal. It can be the muse that inspires you to create and share with others that inspiration. It stirs up the emotions and challenges you to challenge yourself and delve into what makes you "tick".
So to all who read this, whether they be young or old with a body that is still intact or having some parts missing (or replaced), tell your loved one they are loved.
Cherish the person you have chosen to share your life and love with.
Share the joy of the passion of sharing your love on Valentine's Day every day of the year.
They deserve to hear that and share that with you, so you two can be "the beloved".
With hugs and kisses,
Snuggles and sniggles,
Lots of love,
Bronson "Bunny"
.....
Thursday, 29 January 2015
... quality versus quantity - the other "Q" word
As stated in other blogs, I was raised to expect to have cancer in my lifetime. And probably not live that long. Which is probably why I am in my financial mess because I expected to be dead by now. As per my parent's thoughts on the matter - my death by cancer (liver / testicular / prostate / melanoma) or me being murdered - incarcerated - homeless (all due to being a gay man). It was not a supportive family. They finally accepted me late in their lives, just before they had to receive judgment by St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. A little too little - a little too late for redemption.
When I was first diagnosed with prostate cancer the immediate response
was "Get it out! Get it out! Get it out!" And once I got my breath back, I started to question
the test results.
I did research on what my best options would be even though I had already signed on for a radical prostatectomy in about 4 weeks after diagnosis.
I was told by the doctor that 50% of the gland was cancerous (it was only 5% as per the pathology report after the surgery). Location of the cancer is an important factor. A main aspect was whether or not it was contained within the prostate gland or already escaped and metastized, ready to find a new home (usually the bones) to wreck havoc.
On one side of the gland a bunch of little cancer clusters were growing. And on the other lobe, a larger clump was near the edge, ready to jump ship.
With the operation date quickly approaching I sought out support and found very little of it. The local support groups were mostly conservative older men (in their 70's) with prostate issues, incontinence, and wives. As a gay man with a platonic male husband, we certainly did not fit it. Even on the internet, support for gay men and their issues seemed to be restricted to closet-case bisexuals who were only interested in being able to perform as before with their boyfriends behind their wives' back. They were not concerned about other health issues other than the sex act.
When the dust has settled and the wounds have healed, what are you left with. It's hard to tell at times what remains of the old you.
It took about 16 weeks to finally start getting control of my bladder, so I could feel part human again. Not as in infant in a guard or diaper, or being the old bedridden man waiting for the nurse to change the bedding due to an accident.
Prior to that moment, I would lose all the fluid in my bladder simply by standing up. Even with a heavy duty pee pad, I would often have to change my clothing in a public washroom (extra pants, pad and underwear in a carry bag). I was at the point of ordering an external catheter when the start of controlling my incontinence finally kicked in.
In my twenties and thirties I was proud of my sexuality and constantly trying to prove my masculinity to myself and would enjoy intimacy with others. It made me feel male.
In the 40's things were fine but my interests were changing and by the time the fifties hit, there were difficulties on the intimacy homefront. Some of that was probably due to the decline of the prostate as it ages, complicated by decline in the relationship with my husband/spouse.
I was aware that the prostate cancer surgery would affect a change in appearance of my manhood. But not to the extent of the results. It was a truly emasculating event with what happened. As per my research, I found out that "use it or lose it" is a very true and honest phrase that has to be heeded if you want to have any sense of pride of sexual self. That devastating effect is often made worse if the person has to later on undergo salvage radiation treatment.
What I ended up with was being an impotent, non-ejaculating, non-climaxing, small manhood of a person. And for a gay man who's society gauges most of their existence on physical appearance, prowess, and performance - I was striking out in all categories. I did not exist as a gay male.
Five years after the fact and I am still here. I have gone through depression, fear, anger, dealt with suicidal thoughts and even guilt and pity. The silliest one was pity. What did I do to deserve this. Did I have too much sex. Too little sex. My diet. My religion. My faith or lack of faith in believing I would have a long life. Just before my diagnosis I would have a reoccurring dream in which I would tell my husband/spouse, "Hey Steve! You won the lottery!" ... and when diagnosed that is what I thought. He won the lottery. I was going to die on the operating table (bring in the lawyers) and he would be able to pay his bills from my insurance. Well, that didn't happen. I am still here. I still have bills. And I don't remember if I have our lawyer's phone number anymore.
.....
What was lost and what was won.
The driving force of my internal clock that pushed me time and time again to prove myself. To try to better myself, to be the person I thought I wanted to be got lost. Or maybe it was never there and just an illusion. Anger and despression was still there. That was not cut out. Being tied to finding out the location of roadside coffee shops or restaurants just to be able to use their washrooms so I don't have an accident and leak, is demeaning. The frustration of seeing people you were once attracted to (and them you) being out of reach since nothing of your intimate side works again and you have nothing to offer. It even felt useless and fake to even try to flirt. What was the point.
.....
Is the "new normal" acceptable or just accepted. You have no other choice now.
I guess I just accept it. The adventures of the past seem like distant memories now. I am coping with my incontinence and trying to remember to do my kegel exercises to maintain the muscles down there. I am accepting the various sides of my personality - the masculine and feminine. I don't have anything to prove anymore. I am doing my best trying to just be me.
How do you balance off the aspect of simple existence. You did not become radioactive due to the treatments and turn into The Hulk™ every time you stub your toe. What was needed to be done was done.
You did not change your gender due to the medicine to reduce your testosterone which could have fed your cancer. The internal changes and acceptance of self opened up a new world to explore.
You did not stop loving your spouse because you could not have sex the way you used to. In a manner of speaking the relationship became more honest and open.
You did not become lesser of a man even though your manhood was reduced in size by treatment. There was a change in what was important in life. And what was not.
You did not embrace death but faced it.
You did not conquer death but postponed it, a little bit longer, so you could embrace life and its wonderful mystery of existence.
.....
I did research on what my best options would be even though I had already signed on for a radical prostatectomy in about 4 weeks after diagnosis.
I was told by the doctor that 50% of the gland was cancerous (it was only 5% as per the pathology report after the surgery). Location of the cancer is an important factor. A main aspect was whether or not it was contained within the prostate gland or already escaped and metastized, ready to find a new home (usually the bones) to wreck havoc.
On one side of the gland a bunch of little cancer clusters were growing. And on the other lobe, a larger clump was near the edge, ready to jump ship.
With the operation date quickly approaching I sought out support and found very little of it. The local support groups were mostly conservative older men (in their 70's) with prostate issues, incontinence, and wives. As a gay man with a platonic male husband, we certainly did not fit it. Even on the internet, support for gay men and their issues seemed to be restricted to closet-case bisexuals who were only interested in being able to perform as before with their boyfriends behind their wives' back. They were not concerned about other health issues other than the sex act.
.....
It took about 16 weeks to finally start getting control of my bladder, so I could feel part human again. Not as in infant in a guard or diaper, or being the old bedridden man waiting for the nurse to change the bedding due to an accident.
Prior to that moment, I would lose all the fluid in my bladder simply by standing up. Even with a heavy duty pee pad, I would often have to change my clothing in a public washroom (extra pants, pad and underwear in a carry bag). I was at the point of ordering an external catheter when the start of controlling my incontinence finally kicked in.
In my twenties and thirties I was proud of my sexuality and constantly trying to prove my masculinity to myself and would enjoy intimacy with others. It made me feel male.
In the 40's things were fine but my interests were changing and by the time the fifties hit, there were difficulties on the intimacy homefront. Some of that was probably due to the decline of the prostate as it ages, complicated by decline in the relationship with my husband/spouse.
I was aware that the prostate cancer surgery would affect a change in appearance of my manhood. But not to the extent of the results. It was a truly emasculating event with what happened. As per my research, I found out that "use it or lose it" is a very true and honest phrase that has to be heeded if you want to have any sense of pride of sexual self. That devastating effect is often made worse if the person has to later on undergo salvage radiation treatment.
What I ended up with was being an impotent, non-ejaculating, non-climaxing, small manhood of a person. And for a gay man who's society gauges most of their existence on physical appearance, prowess, and performance - I was striking out in all categories. I did not exist as a gay male.
.....
Was it worth the battle?Five years after the fact and I am still here. I have gone through depression, fear, anger, dealt with suicidal thoughts and even guilt and pity. The silliest one was pity. What did I do to deserve this. Did I have too much sex. Too little sex. My diet. My religion. My faith or lack of faith in believing I would have a long life. Just before my diagnosis I would have a reoccurring dream in which I would tell my husband/spouse, "Hey Steve! You won the lottery!" ... and when diagnosed that is what I thought. He won the lottery. I was going to die on the operating table (bring in the lawyers) and he would be able to pay his bills from my insurance. Well, that didn't happen. I am still here. I still have bills. And I don't remember if I have our lawyer's phone number anymore.
.....
The driving force of my internal clock that pushed me time and time again to prove myself. To try to better myself, to be the person I thought I wanted to be got lost. Or maybe it was never there and just an illusion. Anger and despression was still there. That was not cut out. Being tied to finding out the location of roadside coffee shops or restaurants just to be able to use their washrooms so I don't have an accident and leak, is demeaning. The frustration of seeing people you were once attracted to (and them you) being out of reach since nothing of your intimate side works again and you have nothing to offer. It even felt useless and fake to even try to flirt. What was the point.
.....
I guess I just accept it. The adventures of the past seem like distant memories now. I am coping with my incontinence and trying to remember to do my kegel exercises to maintain the muscles down there. I am accepting the various sides of my personality - the masculine and feminine. I don't have anything to prove anymore. I am doing my best trying to just be me.
.....
Is the "new you" better off than the "old you" (pre-treatment).How do you balance off the aspect of simple existence. You did not become radioactive due to the treatments and turn into The Hulk™ every time you stub your toe. What was needed to be done was done.
You did not change your gender due to the medicine to reduce your testosterone which could have fed your cancer. The internal changes and acceptance of self opened up a new world to explore.
You did not stop loving your spouse because you could not have sex the way you used to. In a manner of speaking the relationship became more honest and open.
You did not become lesser of a man even though your manhood was reduced in size by treatment. There was a change in what was important in life. And what was not.
You did not embrace death but faced it.
You did not conquer death but postponed it, a little bit longer, so you could embrace life and its wonderful mystery of existence.
.....
.....
Monday, 19 January 2015
... on having to wait - the "W" word
"... on having to wait - the "W" word"
©2015 Bronson Smith
Wait.
To wait.
Have waited.
Am waiting.
It was worth waiting for.
The wait is over.
I waited fifteen minutes and I left.
This was a six month wait. All in a series of a waiting game to find out if my cancer had returned. Am I in remission. Is the cancer dead, or just sleeping. Is it back and am I on that damned roller coaster called prostate cancer again.
I grew up being told by my Mother that I was cancer-prone. From childhood, I was reminded time and time again that I was prone to skin cancer, testicular cancer, liver cancer. All fun diseases for a child to hear about and wait for to happen.
As an adult, I smoked (being cool was more important - I now have COPD), had unprotected sex (before we knew about protected / safer sex - and I dodged that bullet and am negative), never really drank (so liver and driving record were clean).
Father had prostate cancer (in his 70’s) but died of parkinsons. Grandpa (in his 70’s) had prostate cancer and died of a heart attack. I expected to have prostate cancer but die of something else.
I had missed a couple of years of annual medical examinations and blood work, including PSA testing. And the feared (not to me) gloved finger up the butt to check for changes to the size and shape of the prostate. So when an after-hours telephone call came from my doctor in Toronto, I knew something was up. He told me he was worried about my PSA numbers which had increased from 1.68 in September 7, 2007 to 3.86 in October 9, 2009. A basic rule of thumb for PSA levels at that time was - 1-4 - safe; 4-6- wait and watch and 6-10 - get your butt into the hospital now.
I found an Urologist through the local hospital, PRHC. I didn’t have to wait long, since a week later, I was prepped for a biopsy since in his manual digital examination, the doctor found a change in shape and hardness to my prostate. The results for the biopsy were fast. Cancer was found on both lobes - 2/12 sites - 5% of the gland was affected with cancer of a Gleason level 7 ( 3 +4). That ain’t good.
Gleason levels describe the destruction of the normal cells into cancer cells, and in my case - the majority were level 3 - average/slow growing with a smattering of gleason 4 - faster and more dangerous. The higher the number, that faster and worse it is.
Like a whirlwind romance, I was scheduled for a radical prostatectomy (they remove the gland surgically) on November 18 - a mere 4 weeks wait from the diagnosis of cancer. Some men wait up to 6 months for surgery. Some opt for no surgery at all and while others try different routes to kill or slow down the cancer.
The surgery was classed as successful and I was sent home after 3 days in hospital. The result was Gleason 7 - pt3a - fast but nothing outside the prostate - but cancerous cells near the outside of the gland may have been left behind. Cancer cells that could die off (short half life) or lie dormant for years. You would just have to wait.
And that is what I did. For the first year. the PSA blood work testing was every 3 months. The second year, every 6 months with the third year graduating to once a year. It looked like clear sailing ahead.
Too bad no one told the cancer.
Even with knowing I was in remission there was the painful anxiety of waiting to see if your life was going to continue on the road to recovery. Getting over prostate cancer surgery is no picnic - physically, emotionally and sexually. Was it going to descend into a roller coaster of events with more testing, more dialogues on what to do with the diagnosis. What to do with your life, your work, your loved ones.
You just had to wait. To see if you responded to treatment. If you could tolerate the medicines that (for some) stopped testosterone production that feeds the cancer cells. Charting the progression of the cancer to different rates of growth, finding where the cancer pops up next.
I was very lucky with that in mind. They did an MRI that outlined the prostate bed (former home area to the prostate) and designed the 7 weeks of radiation treatment to bombard the area to kill the remaining cancer cells. No buckshot hitting everything in site mentality that used to exist in radiation therapy. My Mother and my Uncle, her brother, were badly burned by radiation treatments and it scared the life out of me. I had the benefit of an online group - GFMPH - that helped me get through it.
Each day for those 33 days, I went through the same routine - got dressed - went to hospital - waited to get zapped ( which had to be done with a full bladder - I could only hold it for about 15 minutes, so water consumption was carefully timed) - waited while the machine did it thing - whirling and humming and numerous other sci-fi movies sounds. It wasn’t scary, but you were scared. Was this going to work. Will this make me better. Can I get on with my life, and what quality of life will I have.
Recovery from radiation treatments is a different waiting game than with surgery. This time around, cells were affected - sometimes millions of them all reacting different ways. One day, your bladder would be out of control and you’d had leaking accidents, while other days, you could be classified as a camel - holding onto your water until it was the right time to relieve yourself. The same with bowel movements.
There is scarring and burns to the area where tissue was destroyed by the radiation. That is the purpose of it. So as said before, you have good days and you have bad days. You do your best to forget the bad days and hope for more of the good ones as time progresses.
And with that you wait. For the next PSA test. To see if you beat the monster - cancer. If all the pain and suffering and changes to your quality of life was worth it.
You wait. For three months. Then the test - a simple needle prick and blood drawn into a vial with your name on it.
And with that you wait.
I discovered, if the right box is checked, I can get the results back in three days. Otherwise, I have to wait two weeks to visit the doctor. Wait at least a half-hour from your appointment time to chat with him. And in a matter of minutes, you discover if the cancer is going, going, gone…. or if they misjudged the target and you are back on the roller coaster.
The monster was gone - undetectable. I scored a “zero” - PSA <0.10 (there is no such thing as an absolute zero). My number was in fact PSA <0.010 - the lowest you can go.
And then I had to wait. For the next test in three months.
And even though I was hopeful, the anxiety was there. You wait for the test. You wait for the result.
The monster was gone - undetectable- still. I scored a “zero” - PSA <0.10 (there is no such thing as an absolute zero). Once again my number was PSA <0.010 - the lowest you can go.
And then I had to wait. For the next test in six months this time.
I worked through my good and bad days. Questioning quality-of-life versus quantity-of-life. I could now understand the rationale of some of the men I chatted with who chose not to have any treatment. To live out their remaining years intact (prostate cancer is usually slow acting and men can live about 10 years before the serious side effects of cancer takes over).
But from a sample of the men who had advanced cancer and shared their life stories, one thing was certain, “you don’t want to have bone cancer. It is a painful way to die.”
So I continue to fight. To be an advocate for testing. To live since, as a dear friend on the online support group Healingwell.com stated, “every day is a bonus.”
Even though you have to wait.
And my six months was up. I did the blood work two weeks ago. And waited for the appointment date - today. Went to the hospital and waited for the doctor to come in (appointment at 9:45 am) and tell me the results.
It was only a 20-minute wait this time. I was still in remission. I was still a “zero” - my PSA was <0.010. He reminded me if this keeps up, he will discharge me as a patient in five years.
That will be worth the wait.
Tuesday, 23 December 2014
"LABELS" - quicktime movie - SPARK PHOTO FESTIVAL - April 2015
I have found myself to be labelled time and time again by others who sought to hurt me, control me, demean me, as well as by those who tried to put a handle or a name of who I was. Parents and classmates were a steady source of labels or nicknames.
I originally set up this photographic collection, "Labels", to represent how people can viewed differently when the same person ( and photo thereof) had a different label. And if so, did the subject of the photo feel any different.
I had difficulty rounding up a number of participants so I turned the imagery back onto myself and went through the "selfie" pix from my macintosh computer "photo booth" application. I had scores of pix of me taken over the last seven years.
My parents were quite cruel and harsh when commenting on the physical appearance of their children. "Why do you make yourself look so ugly?" was a frequent comment from my Mother.
A side shoot off was that was the need to check my appearance on a regular basis and see if I was presentable to the world. Even, if not to my Mother.
"'LABELS"
“The labels we put on ourselves, as well as the ones that society puts on us, can limit our personal sense of well-being and self-worth and creative potential.”
This project is primarily made up of “selfies” using my Mac computer’s app Photo Booth.
Enjoy.
.....
Here is some background on when the photos were taken - thoughts - locations - etc. And that can contrast with the imagery it invokes to the viewer. As well as the juxtaposition to the previous image.The labels are:
- a memory - a regular photo of me in front of my home in Toronto - I lived there from 1981 - 2006.
- bad ass - trying to look tough
- boy - pix of me in Fenelon Falls - I was in full gay gainer phase - 265# - big = masculine
- butch - me at The Barracks Gay SMBD Bath House in 2005
- wifebeater - just deep in thought wearing a wifebeater a-shirt
- cancer came back - had prostate cancer surgery in 2009 and it came backi in 2013
- in remission - had radiation treatments in 2013 - declared in remission again in 2014
- impotent - not dealing well with side effects of surgery and radiation treatments
- empty - how I feel at times
- masculine - my first summer in Peterborough working at a garden centre
- femme - accepting the softer side of me
- Bronson - me as I tried to present myself to the world
- Bunny - as I am
- sane - staged shot for artist brochure
- insane - use of red henna dye on hair to mimick buddy's masculine look
- straight - some people still think I am straight since I don't act gay to them
- bisexual - some people think I am attracted to everyone
- gay -having fun with facial hair
- queer - been called that for decards - I own it now
- faggot - been called that for decades - I own it now
- non-binary - deciding what to do with the red henna hair
- on the fence - keep or shave off goatee and moustache
- sexy - feeling sexy that day
- sick - someone very close to me said I was sick having painted nails
- suicidal - I hid it well - didn't I?
- self-portrait - painting for fundraiser for assisted housing
- happy- just plain me
.....
This is a quicktime movie of the photographic images that will be on display for the month of April 2014 at the This and That Shop - Gallery, as part of the SPARK PHOTO FESTIVAL 2015 in Peterborough, Ontario.
.....
PLEASE NOTE: I have launched a new Fundanything.com campaign to help my
finances get through a rough stretch & possibly find a buyer /
donator for the "radiation series" paintings.
Please check out my campaign and if possible, contribute, or share it with someone who can.
Thank you.
.....
Monday, 22 December 2014
PROSTATE CANC*R PROJECT - "the radiation series" - CROWDFUNDING - October / November 2013
INTRODUCTION
This is the text and paintings that were used in the two crowdfunding campaigns to help me raise money in October and November 2013 (prior to and during radiation treatments), so I could do the series of paintings I called the PROSTATE CANC*R PROJECT - "the radiation series" to illustrate my response to the radiation treatments for the return of my prostate cancer.
The campaigns concluded in 2013. The rewards and such are still included since they are part of the original text.
The second posting in this blog "ON BEING BUNNY" of PROSTATE CANC*R PROJECT - "the radiation series" - ERRING ON THE MOUNT is essentially five months after the crowdfunding campaign and the radiation treatments.
.....
INSPIRATION PAINTING - “RED SKY - QUILTS”
- 24" x 24"
- acrylic on routered plywood with balsa wood strips
©2013 - BRONSON SMITH
Out of adversity comes creativity - determination - and the freedom to create.
In the fall of 2009, I was diagnosed with Prostate Cancer and had surgery 6 weeks later. I had been in remission for three (3) years when my PSA numbers started rising this spring. The cancer is back.
In October 2013, I am starting radiation treatments at my local hospital - PRHC - Peterborough Regional Health Centre - at their new radiation bunker. A couple of years back I participated in an Art fundraiser at my Studio to help them raise money to build it. I didn't think at the time I would be using it.
This is not a boo-hoo situation , but more of an empowerment attack. I will create wonderful things while they zap me to kill the cancer. I will share with others through my paintings what I am feeling week to week - this is a 7 week project.
The end result will be a series of 7 paintings - one for each of the 7 weeks of radiation treatment.
Each one will show through the colours, texture, detailling of my MODERN PRIMITIVE WOOD PAINTINGS style of artwork how I am doing - emotionally - physically (the side effects can kick in on week two) and spiritually.
Please look through my Artist website - http://bronsonsmith.com to see examples of my style of artwork as well as newspaper articles and video interviews. I have been very transparent about my cancer.
I may not be excited about dealing with the radiation treatments but I am looking forward to the freedom to create this project (for a possible touring exhibition - regional galleries - hospital - cancer centres).
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Reward levels- 1- $50 - a series of five (5) assorted artwork notecards - free shipping to Canada and USA
2- $100.00 - a series of five (5) assorted artwork notecards AND limited edition photo poster of one of my paintings ( this is just an example) - signed in pencil and limited edition ( determined by number of backers) - free shipping to Canada and USA
3 - $500.00 - a series of five (5) assorted artwork note cards AND limited edition photo poster of one of my paintings - signed in pencil and limited edition ( determined by number of backers) AND limited edition photo poster of the final seven (7) paintings - signed in pencil and limited edition (determined by number of backers) - free shipping to Canada and USA.
This is an example of the work I have done in the first 3 weeks of treatment.
4- $1,000.00 - an original 12" x 24" Modern Primitive Wood Painting - to be chosen from existing collection or created new for you, the backer - east coast / Newfoundland scene -or- rural Ontario - heritage buildings / barns.
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https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K2LVytfmTQM&list=UUjIiASGG7IwcTILwe2dpK-A
Video Credit - many thanks to Lester Alfonso of MAP - Media Arts Peterborough
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“BLUE SKIES”
-24" x 24"
- acrylic on routered plywood with balsa wood strips
©2013 - BRONSON SMITH
WEEK ONE - KICKSTARTER - "BLUE SKIES"
I am feeling calm about my radiation treatments and hopeful.
I have just finished week one of my seven week radiation treatment. I feel OK and there is a calmness about me. I am hopeful that I will be able to reach my project goal and be able to complete the seven paintings.
I had a wonderful interview in THE PETERBOROUGH EXAMINER - October 5, 2013
http://www.thepeterboroughexaminer.com/2013/10/05/for-prostate-cancer-victim-creativity-out-of-adversity
And today I was interviewed by Lance Anderson of PETERBOROUGH THIS WEEK - that will be available online October 9, 2013. We spoke about the project in length and if I would continue it if the project funding did not meet its goal.
The answer to that is YES. This series of 7 paintings (actually 8 including the inspiration piece) is in my heart and mind and will help me share with others this experience through my art. The end result will be 7 paintings ($700.00 x 7) sold as a set - or better yet, be part of a touring exhibition. Going through with my radiation treatments for prostate cancer will be difficult at times. It would be a great help if I do meet my goal of $4,000.00.
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This week, the second week of treatments is going to be different. My Mom passed away on Sunday - she was in declining health at age 86 - had survived radiation treatments 44 years ago, recently had another bout of pneumonia, a stroke and finally, passed away in her sleep.
I have had some issues with the bowels, but am relating it to the effect of the fibre in the lentil soup I had last night. And have had concerns about acceptance of my treatments at work, which cast a shadow on my feelings. That has been resolved as of yesterday.
Our first meeting with the oncologist will be tomorrow and I have no idea of what to expect... so if last week was "blue skies", I think this week will be "uncertainty".
If you have backed me - many thanks as I do appreciate your support. If you have tried to pledge but the button seems finicky - please, do try again. And for those debating it, please do check out my website to see my other artwork and what I have done these last 30 years. The perks / rewards are nice & I feel this project is of value.
It is such an exciting and scary experience for me to do artwork just for art sake - being given that freedom through this kickstarter project would assist me in pushing that personal envelope and experience from adversity comes creativity and the freedom to create.
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“UNCERTAINTY”
-24" x 24"
- acrylic on routered plywood with balsa wood strips
©2013 - BRONSON SMITH
WEEK TWO - KICKSTARTER - UNCERTAINTY
Mom passed away on the Sunday - sadness and uncertainty about life and what it holds.
The second week of my radiation treatment started off on a down note with the passing away of my Mother, Shirley Elizabeth ( Betty) Ritchie Smith, age 86. She had cancer at age 42 complicated by radiation burns, and survived another 44 years - passing away in her sleep on October 6, 2013, after another bout of pneumonia, a stroke, and failing health.
Side effects are creeping up slowly - more wetting and increased incontinence (more marking on the guard pad I wear).
Which explains the change in sky with some grey clouds and other colours.
On Thursday, Oct 10, I was interviewed for CHATELAINE MAGAZINE - a national women's magazine to talk about the recent fundraiser for Toronto Hospice Association - "impressions of life" -
http://impressionsoflifeart.com/auction/ and later that same day, was interviewed by Jack Roe of the programme, ONTARIO THIS MORNING - CBC-1 radio - in which he then relayed our conversation on Friday, Oct 11, 2013 - 7:45am - should be available soon on their podcast page - http://www.cbc.ca/ontariomorning
-today, a local newspaper article come out - PETERBOROUGH THIS WEEK - http://www.mykawartha.com/news-story/4150292-artist-s-weekly-paintings-reflecting-mood-during-fight-with-cancer/
-it was a great article and they have shown me so much support - as an artist and as a cancer survivor
- but unfortunately, they called me, Mr Bronson, instead of Mr. Smith throughout the article ....
- there is a well known Bronson family of musicians in the area-- so it may be confusing for some.
-hopefully all this push-push-push that will generate pledges - It would be great to reach my pldge goal and I would surely like to finish this project and set up a touring exhibition of it. Only a few days left.
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“MUDDLED”
-24" x 24"
- acrylic on routered plywood with balsa wood strips
©2013 - BRONSON SMITH
WEEK THREE - KICKSTARTER - MUDDLED
- coming to terms with Mom's death and not getting kickstarter project funded - where will I get the support I need to get through this.
Even though I am posting this update on Monday evening, I feel it is / will be a reflection of how I am feeling this week during my radiation treatments.
I am "muddled" about how I am feeling about my Mother's death - how it relates to my own mortality if this radiation treatment does not stop the growth of the prostate cancer. I am aware of the "possible" future and what it may include - not a pretty sight....
I am facing elements of fatigue and some wandering thoughts. I know I am tired when I repeat to myself "focus, focus, focus", so I can get a job done.
The side effects are building up - bowels are swollen so not much to the B.M.'s - actually gaining weight during this ordeal. Incontinence is tolerable - but wear a pad in the front and back of my underwear - just for safety sake.
I am very pleased with "muddled"painting. It is in a colour range that reflects where I am right now. Muted - sorta monotone - I am needing some more emotional support ( hence the ribbed foundations of the houses instead of carved in slats). Things seem to be louder and more basic and less b.s. - so bigger patterns and the squares on the quilts.
My partner, Steve, was concerned that I finished the WEEK THREE painting on Monday night and that it does not reflect what I am going through this week. Well, I wanted to show you - the backers and the others who are watching my project as it goes into its final hours - that this is something beyond what I normally do - who ever heard of me doing a brown tone sky?!?! Who knows what I will attempt next?
About three years ago, my sister, Debbie Smith Wilson (who lives with hubbie, Gordon in Australia) , sent me a pix of her living room. I commented on the wonderful prints from the Canberra Art Museum on her walls. I was surprised when she told me it was her own artwork. She had never shown any signs of being interested in art. She had a good career as a Nurse in Canada and worked along side Gordon when he was a practicing Dentist in Australia.
I found out she was giving her artwork away to people instead of selling it. I tried to convince her to sell them or give them to charity so they could use the money - her reply was, "I give my paintings to people who do not have art on their walls." Well, that shut me up! :)
We come from an artistic family - mostly from our Mother's side - Mom, Grandma Ritchie, Great Aunt Katherine - me and now Debbie.
This year Debbie finally entered her first art show in her new little town of Jindabyne, New South Wales, Australia - showing off her paintings and her quilted wall hangings... and inher first attempt she ends up winning "First Prize" for her painting and "People's Choice" for her wall hangings.
I am so proud of her and wanted to share that with you.
My partner,Steve, Debbie and Gordon have been especially helpful during Mom's illness and passing, as well as helping support my art career this last year due to illness and such....
This may be my last update before the kickstarter project deadline, so I want to publicly thank them for giving me the strength to reach out and challenge myself. Kickstarter has been a great focus for me - with me getting ready for my radiation treatments and coping with the first weeks. Helping me focus and find meaning to what is happening to me and to understand that "through adversity comes creativity and the freedom to create".
I am very proud of what I have accomplished and hope to be able to continue this project so by the end of November I will have the seven paintings showing on my artist website - celebrating completion of "the radiation series" and looking forward to regaining my health so I can continue on as an Artist.
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"...I have solved the kickstarter problem. You need to register as a kickstarter member, close out of the program and restart in order to make the pledge. It is done.... "
Some computer glitches relate to the operating system, the browser being used.. regardless, this works... hoorah... hopefully not too late....
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“BUBBLING UP” (ANGER) -24" x 24"
- acrylic on routered plywood with balsa wood strips
©2013 - BRONSON SMITH
WEEK FOUR - FUNDANYTHING - BUBBLING UP (ANGER)
- after kickstarter.com concluded campaign and did not reach goal (an all or nothing situation)
- I got nothing.
- have started new campaign on fundanything.com -
- angry at the disease - missed work opportunities - flailing about
I had the image in my head already and all the colours were chosen on Sunday ... so I will be painting the sky dark - with black - greys -a streak of off-white with a gash of bright red ... the anger ready to
escape ...
-my thoughts are flailing around right now - coming to grips with Mom's passing - sorting out the anger of how I was treated but trying to embrace the forgiveness I gave to her so she could pass on at peace... anger can be a motive.. can encourage to create things and be crippling at the same time...
-I am angry at the disease - having to go through these treatments - only minor side effects ( I am very lucky and very grateful) - angry at missed opportunities for employment - financial stability ( artist <--> stable , in the same sentence? ! :D )
- did my best to not second guess myself and went with how I am feeling.... almost halfway there - 14 out of 33 zaps.
- this art project has helped me get through this ... don't know where it will lead me or if it will fly this time or not... kickstarter was a learning experience - but I prefer this crowdfunding model better - no computer glitches this time - thank you "the Donald" (as in Trump) which is also my Dad's name).
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“HOPEFUL”
-24" x 24"
- acrylic on routered plywood with balsa wood strips
©2013 - BRONSON SMITH
WEEK FIVE - FUNDANYTHING - HOPEFUL
- Hoorah! - a donor donated $2,000.00 to this campaign
- my sister and I are coming to grips with our Mom's death and grieving, new positions opening up at work
- feeling hopeful that we will beat this terrible disease.
Very pleased to have only minimal side effects to the cancer treatments. The machine was giving the techies trouble so we had a 3 hour delay - but safety comes first and I was willing to wait until we all got the green light.
Very very pleased with the $2,000.00 donation to my campaign from my anonymous donor ( through Gallery Q Inc.). It will help me conclude my project. I will be dropping off the 4 completed paintings to have them professional framed this week.
In hindsight, I should have left my goal level here at fundanything.com at $4,000.00 for the project, but I was embarrassed that I did not reach my goal initially with kickstarter.
I used my line of credit for the first part of the project (about $2,000.00) and am currently working through getting out of debt.
Am I sorry for continuing on this project? No way! It helped me cope with this part of my journey in ways you may not comprehend. This project helped me "get out of my head" and focus on the work at hand and helped me cope: with my Mother's death; the radiation treatments; and the REASON for me having to do radiation treatments - the prostate cancer had returned and was growing - it had to be stopped!
I am so pleased to have finished WEEK FIVE painting - "hopeful"
- this week looks like it will be hopeful - the donor donating $2K last week - new job prospects at work - still coping well with my radiation treatments - my sister coming to grips with her grief over our Mom's passing and I am halfway through my radiation treatments.
Started working on layouts for poster of final 7 paintings - will probably have to increase size of poster to take advantage of detailling of paintings.
Have enjoyed sharing my experiences at fundanything and my project with others at the radiation bunker at PRHC. Two of the women who are dealing with breast cancer have actually named their tumour - so that the techies and patient are both working together to kill the cancer.
It doesn't matter if it is breast cancer, or prostate cancer, testicular, ovanian, lung, you get my drift.... - regardless of the colour of the awareness ribbon - we are all fighting the same beast - CANCER.
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Here are the stages of what I go through to do my artwork.
1 - drawing image on plywood
2 - routering (carving) line work and detailling into plywood - and sanding it so the surface is smooth and no rough bits from the routering
3 - built it up with strips of balsa wood to create the imagery of clothesline posts, windows and roof lines, etc.
4 - stage 4 is spray painting primer on the front of the painting (usually black or grey - which forms the colour for the linework - and when dry - I roller paint white primer on the back of the painting/plywood to seal it in
5 - stage 5 is doing the initial colouring of the spaces to create the painting. Some colours need two or more layers to make it opaque and solid looking.
6 - stage 6 is taking painting to professional framer to have it framed
7 - stage 7 is photographing finished/framed painting for website and possible use of image for note cards, posters etc..
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“FATIGUE”
24” X 24”
- acrylic on routered plywood with balsa wood strips
©2013 BRONSON SMITH
- acrylic on routered plywood with balsa wood strips
©2013 BRONSON SMITH
WEEK SIX - FUNDANYTHING - FATIGUE
Well, I am ready to start my countdown tomorrow - there will be only ten (10) radiation treatments left - hoorah!
I have been doing well with side effects but the fatigue has finally hit me as of last Wednesday. Having one or two one hour naps during the day helps a great deal. And that is the reason for WEEK SIX painting - "fatigue".
It is not a depressing sky - just a night sky - quiet and dark with the light on ... but I don't feel like getting up - let me have another bit of rest.
It is still a busy time for me - I am very pleased with the CHATELAINE magazine article about my participation in the "Impressions of Life" fundraiser for the Toronto Hospice Association.
http://www.chatelaine.com/health/wellness/how-painting-helps-people-cope/
I met my Gallery Q Inc donor this week. He is a very nice man - shrewd businessman - art collector and philanthropist. He was very insightful about the balance of life and living and was encouraging about some interesting ideas about future projects.
I do have a power point presentation about the paintings but don't know how to link it in here - but I can send you a copy via email if you wish. There was even a hint from another donor about turning this experience into a book format.
http://fundanything.com/en/campaigns/the-radiation-series/updates
Many thanks to my contributors and well-wishers. Please feel free to share this with others.
Any further contributions would be appreciated to help offset the debt load from the first phase of "the radiation series" project. I reduced the fundanything goal level from $4K to $2K because I was embarrassed that I did not meet my goal using kickstarter.
All in all this has been a wonderful experience for me - helping me cope and serving as a journal to my radiation treatment journey.
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“JOURNEY'S END”
24” X 24”
- acrylic on routered plywood with balsa wood strips
©2013 BRONSON SMITH
WEEK SEVEN - FUNDANYTHING - “JOURNEY’S END”- acrylic on routered plywood with balsa wood strips
©2013 BRONSON SMITH
I leave it up to the viewer to decide and why this is different from the rest. It invokes the colours and patterns of the inspiration painting but has changed.
It is the end of one journey - the radiation treatments due to the return of my prostate cancer - and the beginning of a new one.
Hopefully the cancer is dead and I will be in remission again. My creativity is still out there for all to see. Will they see the changes in the landscape or the changes in me.
- end of original text for crowdfunding campaign -
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The Fundanything.com crowdfunding was a success. It allowed me the opportunity to work on and finish the seven paintings and have them properly framed. The series of paintings have been shown at: ERRING ON THE MOUNT - May/June 2014 and PRHC Art & Healing Wall Gallery - June/July 2014 and during KAST Studio Tour - September 2014.
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I have a limited edition (350)
signed poster of this series of paintings for sale - image is 11" x 17"
- $50.00 unframed - $250.00 framed - shipping extra
10% of the sales will go to Prostate Cancer Canada.
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For more information please contact:
BRONSON "BUNNY" SMITH
473 Donegal Street, Peterborough, Ontario,Canada K9H 4L7
705-874-9600 cell - 705-933-9600 http://bronsonsmith.com
tatt2man@mac.com - tatt2man1955@gmail.com
I have a quicktime morph of the paintings on youtube
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PLEASE NOTE: I have launched a new Fundanything.com campaign to help my finances get through a rough stretch & possibly find a buyer / donator for the "radiation series" paintings.
Please check out my campaign and if possible, contribute, or share it with someone who can.
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PROSTATE C*NCER PROJECT - "the radiation series" - ERRING ON THE MOUNT - May 2014
PROSTATE C*NCER PROJECT - "the radiation series"
by Bronson Smith
- ERRING ON THE MOUNT EXHIBITION TEXT -
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"Erring on the Mount" was an amazing site-specific Multidisciplinary Arts Festival at the old Mount St. Joseph Seminary in Peterborough (now The Mount Community Centre) that ran from May 30 to June 1, 2014.
It was the creation of Public Energy - dance, theatre and Performance - of Peterborough. They did an amazing job. The event was filmed and a documentary by Lester Alfonso hopefully will be ready for public viewing in 2015.
It was the creation of Public Energy - dance, theatre and Performance - of Peterborough. They did an amazing job. The event was filmed and a documentary by Lester Alfonso hopefully will be ready for public viewing in 2015.
Over 80 Artists participated in the event, and I was very pleased and proud to be one of them.
My exhibition of paintings was in corridor in the abandoned hospital wing. Participants would walk up one side of the corridor- reading the text for each painting - the inspiration painting and paintings one to three, then turn around and walk back looking at the text and paintings four to seven on the other wall of the corridor.
I had a wonderful response from those who viewed my work. Some simply smiled, a few cried when they shook my hand, and others found it very moving and shared their personal stories with me. And all were very pleased with the text on the Epilogue panel at the end of the exhibit.
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INTRODUCTION
Out of adversity comes creativity and the freedom to create!
In 2009, I was diagnosed with and had surgery for Prostate Cancer. I had been in remission for three years when my PSA (Prostate-Specific Antigen) numbers started rising in 2012.
The cancer was back.
In October 2013, I started radiation treatments at the Norm & Jessie Dysart Radiation Centre at the Peterborough Regional Health Centre. A couple of years back I participated in a Art fundraiser at my Studio to help them raise money to build it. I didn't think at the time I would be using it.
This is not a boo-hoo situation, but more of an empowerment.
I will create wonderful things while they zap me to kill the cancer. I will share with others through my paintings what I am feeling week to week - this is a 7 week project.
INSPIRATION PAINTING
"red sky and quilts"
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WEEK ONE
"blue skies"
I am feeling calm about my radiation treatments and hopeful.
I have just finished week one of my seven week radiation treatment. The staff are kind and considerate.
I feel OK and there is a calmness about me. I am hopeful that I will be able to reach my project goal with Kickstarter crowdfunding and be able to complete the seven paintings.
The first painting is called "blue skies" because of how I am feeling after the previous weekend's visit to Rochester, New York. It was one of the GFMPH cancer survivor and their spouses gathering.
GFMPH (good for men’s prostate health) is part of an online support site that helps men and their wives / spouses / family cope with, support and share patient information about PCa.
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WEEK TWO
"uncertainty"
The second week of my radiation treatment started off on a down note with the passing away of my Mother, Shirley Elizabeth (Betty) Ritchie Smith, age 86. She had cancer at age 42 complicated by radiation burns, and survived another 44 years - passing away in her sleep on October 6, 2013, after
another bout of pneumonia, a stroke, and failing health.
I am full of sadness and uncertainty about life and what it holds.
The Kickstarter.com crowdfunding did not meet its goal. Many thanks to those who supported me.
Side effects are creeping up slowly.
I have had some issues with the bowels and bladder, some of the possible side effects to the radiation treatment. I am experiencing more leaking and increased incontinence (more marking on the guard pad I wear).
Our first meeting with the oncologist will be tomorrow and I have no idea of what to expect... so if last week was "blue skies", I think this week will be “uncertainty".
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WEEK THREE
"muddled"
I am "muddled" about how I am feeling about my Mother's death and how it relates to my own mortality if this radiation treatment does not stop the growth of the prostate cancer.
I am aware of the "possible" future and what it may include bone metastisis, morphine for pain - not a pretty sight ....
I am facing elements of fatigue and some wandering thoughts. I know I am tired when I repeat to myself "focus, focus, focus", so I can get a job done.
The side effects are building up - bowels are swollen so not much to the B.M.'s - actually gaining weight during this ordeal.
Incontinence is tolerable - but wear a pad in the front and back of my underwear - just for safety sake.
Trying a different crowdfunding site, fundanything.com.
I am very pleased with "muddled" painting. It is in a colour range that reflects where I am right now. Muted - sorta monotone.
Trying a different crowdfunding site, fundanything.com.
I am very pleased with "muddled" painting. It is in a colour range that reflects where I am right now. Muted - sorta monotone.
I am needing some more emotional support ( hence the ribbed foundations of the houses instead of carved in slats). Things seem to be louder and more basic and less b.s. - so bigger patterns and the squares on the quilts.
.....
WEEK FOUR
"bubbling up" (anger)
I am angry at the disease - missed work opportunities - flailing about in all directions.
I had the image in my head already and all the colours were chosen on Sunday ... so I will be painting the sky dark - with black - greys - a streak of off-white with a gash of bright red.
… the anger ready to escape ...
My thoughts are flailing around right now, coming to grips with Mom's passing. Sorting out the anger of how I was treated but trying to embrace the forgiveness I gave to her so she could pass
on at peace.
Anger can be a motive and can encourage the creation of things and be crippling at the same time.
I did my best to not second guess myself with the strong colours in the painting and went with how I am feeling.
Almost halfway there - 14 out of 33 zaps.
I had the image in my head already and all the colours were chosen on Sunday ... so I will be painting the sky dark - with black - greys - a streak of off-white with a gash of bright red.
… the anger ready to escape ...
My thoughts are flailing around right now, coming to grips with Mom's passing. Sorting out the anger of how I was treated but trying to embrace the forgiveness I gave to her so she could pass
on at peace.
Anger can be a motive and can encourage the creation of things and be crippling at the same time.
I did my best to not second guess myself with the strong colours in the painting and went with how I am feeling.
Almost halfway there - 14 out of 33 zaps.
.....
WEEK FIVE
"hopeful"
A donor donated $2,000.00 to my fundanything.com campaign to help me complete this project.
Very pleased to have only minimal side effects to the cancer treatments. The machine was giving the techies trouble so we had a 3 hour delay, but safety comes first and I was willing to wait until we all got the green light.
Very pleased to have only minimal side effects to the cancer treatments. The machine was giving the techies trouble so we had a 3 hour delay, but safety comes first and I was willing to wait until we all got the green light.
This project helped me "get out of my head" and focus on the work at hand and helped me cope: with my Mother's death; the radiation treatments; and the REASON for me having to do radiation treatments - the prostate cancer had returned and was growing - it had to be stopped!
Started working on layouts for poster of final 7 paintings.
Have enjoyed sharing my experiences at fundanything.com and my project with others at the radiation bunker at PRHC.
Two of the women who are dealing with breast cancer have actually named their tumour - so that the techies and patient are both working together to kill the cancer.
It doesn't matter if it is breast cancer, or prostate cancer, testicular, ovarian, lung, you get my drift.... - regardless of the colour of the awareness ribbon - we are all fighting the same beast - CANCER.
Started working on layouts for poster of final 7 paintings.
Have enjoyed sharing my experiences at fundanything.com and my project with others at the radiation bunker at PRHC.
Two of the women who are dealing with breast cancer have actually named their tumour - so that the techies and patient are both working together to kill the cancer.
It doesn't matter if it is breast cancer, or prostate cancer, testicular, ovarian, lung, you get my drift.... - regardless of the colour of the awareness ribbon - we are all fighting the same beast - CANCER.
.....
WEEK SIX
"fatigue"
Well, I am ready to start my countdown tomorrow - there will be only ten (10) radiation treatments left - hoorah!
I have been doing well with side effects but the fatigue has finally hit me like a pile of bricks as of last Wednesday. Having one or two one hour naps during the day helps a great deal. Having difficulty finishing this painting.
It is not a depressing sky - just a night sky - quiet and dark with the light on ... but I don't feel like getting up - let me have another bit of rest.
.....
WEEK SEVEN
"journey's end"
I leave it up to the viewer to decide why this is different from the rest. It invokes the colours and patterns of the inspiration painting but it has changed.
It is the end of one journey - the radiation treatments due to the return of my prostate cancer - and the beginning of a new one. Hopefully the cancer is dead and I will be in remission again.
My creativity is still out there for all to see.
Will they see the changes in the landscape or the changes in me.
.....
EPILOGUE
- final panel - text only -
May 21, 2014, my Urologist-Surgeon says I am cured of cancer.
My PSA has been undetectable < 0.010 since March 2014.
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PROSTATE CANC*R PROJECT - "the radiation series" Poster
I have a limited edition (350) signed poster of this series of paintings for sale - image is 11" x 17" - $50.00 unframed - $250.00 framed - shipping extra
10% of the sales will go to Prostate Cancer Canada.
.....
For more information please contact:
BRONSON "BUNNY" SMITH
473 Donegal Street, Peterborough, Ontario,Canada K9H 4L7
705-874-9600 cell - 705-933-9600 http://bronsonsmith.com
tatt2man@mac.com - tatt2man1955@gmail.com
I have a quicktime morph of the paintings on youtube
Youtube - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kKOECwo9eo4
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